Just Another Day
by PhoenixClaw
Summary: When an unknown force strikes the village of Konoha, only Hinata is left with her sanity intact. Can one little Hyuuga save the day, or will everything fall victim to a demon's revenge? Uchiha family bonding, blood splattered Gaara Claus and so much more.
1. The Good, the Bad and the Busty

**Disclaimer:** I own very few things, and Naruto is not one of them.

This is pretty much what happens when you remove the filter between your brain and the keyboard. Sleep deprivation helps too.

Oh, and if you get through all this and find yourself wanting more, go check out my other stories. They're a little more...tactful. :)

* * *

Just another day in Konaha, it seemed. 

The birds were chirping, the grass was growing, and Maito Gai was doing his daily squats while eating raisin oatmeal with a spork.

Completely in the buff.

On the roof of his house.

"_Youth_ one…_youth_ two…_youth_ three…"

Yep. Just another regular day in Konaha.

Regardless, the talk of town was not the horrifying image that would befall anyone foolish enough to look up, but rather the small, diminutive girl who always seemed to be looking down.

It was, of course, a commonly known fact that Hyuuga Hinata was deeply in love with Uzumaki Naruto. Likewise, it was common knowledge that Naruto was an idiot. Thus, the pair provided a sense of comic relief by way of Hinata's continual heart-wrenching disappointment coupled with Naruto's unrelenting ignorance.

Now might also be an appropriate time to point out that the villagers of Konaha were complete assholes.

(Still, it wasn't as bad as the time all the children at the orphanage mistook a blood-soaked Gaara for Santa Claus. It wasn't so much that he _planned_ to kill them in a ritualistic mass murder to appease the deranged spirit of his deceased mother…it just, ya know, _happened_…but I digress.)

Today was another day, and another day was all the pale-eyed Hyuuga would need to finally confess her feelings for the boy she held so close to her heart. The young woman was currently making a beeline for the Ichiraku ramen shop in the hopes of catching her one true love.

_I-I can't keep hiding behind these feelings any longer! Naruto-kun…Naruto-kun deserves to know how I feel! Even if he doesn't feel the same way about me, at least he…at least he'll know how much I care…_

She rounded a corner of the bustling Konaha streets only to be halted by a perusing Tsunade-sama. Actually, 'engulfed' might have been a better word.

"Mmpf!" was the only thing able to escape the petite girl as she tried to free her head from the Hokage's buxom person.

Startled, Tsunade glanced down to see the struggling form of a very distraught and oxygen-deprived Hyuuga heiress.

"Oh for-…not again…"

Several unpleasant yet surprisingly supple moments later, Hinata found herself starring up at the successor to the Third. It would also seem her headband had come undone and was now lost within a sea of flesh.

The young girl cast a pleading look upon the older woman, then down towards the chasm before her.

"T-Tsunade-sama! I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going, a-and…"

Her meager apology was dismissed with a lazy wave and sigh.

"Eh, don't worry about it. Things get stuck in there all the time."

Not quite sure how to respond to that, Hinata was nevertheless surprised to see the Hokage plunge an arm elbow deep into her own cleavage.

"Let's see here…this?…no…maybe, uh uh…hmm, what about…darn…"

Sake bottles, pixie sticks, seventeen dollars in change and a 2004 Volkswagon Beetle all took their rightful place on the ground beside the Gondaime. As Hinata's jaw drew closer and closer to her toes, the overly endowed woman finally extracted the much sought after item.

"Here ya go! Heh, right next to the patio set. I should've known…"

The young Hyuuga numbly accepted her headband, all the while unable to keep her gaze off something that was making one eye twitch horribly.

"T-Tsunade-sama…there's something…m-moving…"

The woman in question arched an eyebrow and only then noticed the small tuft of white present in the great divide of her bosom.

To say the least, she turned bright red as a firm hand took hold of the offending entity.

With a mighty pull, one very irate Hokage was dangling a stupified Sennin high in the air by his luxurious mane of snowy white locks.

"Dammit Jiraiya! How long have you been in there?"

The Toad Hermit cast her a lecherous grin.

"Best…four days…_ever_."

Hinata's eyes began to cross as she tried to stop a nosebleed.

"Damned pervert! I'll deal with you later!"

And with that, Tsunade-sama stuffed him back into the confines of her blouse. A huge grin immediately replaced the previous scowl.

"Now, Hinata-san, what brings you out on such a lovely…Hinata-san?"

Alas, the young girl had bolted down a side alleyway the instant she was certain nothing else would be sprouting out from the crazy woman's chest.

_That'll take years of therapy to get over… but it's all worth it in the pursuit of Naruto-kun! Maybe someday _I'll _be able to stuff _him _in my…no! Bad thoughts! Bad! Must first gain recognition, then molestation! Deep breaths! Just follow the game plan…_

That particular inner monologue was doomed to fail the instant she laid eyes upon the sight that now lay before her.

As Hinata turned the final corner, she spied Sakura decked out in a white lab coat and goggles dangling a large ball of yarn over Naruto's belly. The boy in question was lying on his back, swatting at it furiously.

And purring.

Hinata's lavender eyes nearly rolled out of her head.

Just at that moment, Sakura spied the intrusive Hyuuga and beckoned her over. About half a dozen reasons why this was a bad idea were immediately drowned out by how adorable Naruto looked acting like a kitty.

Against her better judgment, the young woman cautiously closed the distance in order to better inspect their questionable activities.

The pink-haired girl nodded sagely.

"Good morning, Hinata-san. Care to observe my research?"

"Umm …o-ok…"

"Excellent. First, let me assure you that no sentient creatures are being hurt in these trials. Only Naruto."

"Uh…isn't that…"

"Humane? Yes, yes, we try our best. Anyway, today's case study is the application of a ball of yarn upon the test subject. My goal is to prove the long held belief that foxes are naturally attracted to the aforementioned item."

This was met with a quizzical pale-eyed stare.

"D-Doesn't that only work on cats?"

"Nope. Foxes too."

"Err…"

Sakura cast Hinata an exasperated look.

"Hinata-san, have you ever seen a fox refuse a ball of yarn?"

She had to think about that for a moment.

"I…uh…no?"

"Well, if you haven't seen a fox _not_ want to play with yarn, then there's no way you could know that it wouldn't want to play if given the chance, correct?"

"U-Umm…I…guess so…but-"

"Therefore, it is logical to assume that foxes do indeed prefer the finely spun hair of a lamb based on the fact that you _cannot_ disprove their love for said object by any empirical means. In fact, it could be surmised by these same _irrefutable _principles of science that foxes also enjoy being beaten senseless by a freshly caught herring."

Hinata was still trying to mull through the pure anti-logic of whatever Sakura had just rambled on about when she finally caught the last part.

"S-Sakura-san, what did you just-"

_"FISHY FISHY NO JUTSU!"_

At that precise moment, a ginormous rainbow-speckled herring poofed into existence and landed right in the crazed Haruno maiden's hand. With a mighty swing, Sakura nearly unhinged Naruto's jaw with a devastating _fwap_ across the face. Oddly enough, the fish burst into small, bite-size morsels of candy.

Or fish intestines. Whichever.

The point is that the poor creature exploded on contact. Also, whatever spell the blond boy had been under was immediately broken by the sheer brutality of marine murder. He rubbed his jaw vigorously.

"Sakura-chan! Why would you do that to me!"

He began to pout.

"You know I like it a bit higher…"

The young woman was only too happy to comply. A veritable storm of fish guts began to rain down upon anything and everything as herring after herring leapt to the kunoichi's call only to be subjected to aquatic genocide. Naruto was laughing like a mad man.

"Hee hee! That tickles!"

_Fwap!_

"Nice one Sakura! I'll be feeling _that_ tomorrow!"

Double _fwap!_

"Woot! I think you dislocated my shoulder! C'mon Demon Fox, heal me up baby!"

_Ninja Art_! Inner Sakura burning _fwap_ of misguided emo love! CHA!

"Oh wow! I didn't even know that part of my body _had_ nerve endings! Awesome!"

At this point, Sakura was hastily taking notes in a ledger, Naruto had fish goo dribbling down his whisker marks, and Hinata practically wet herself.

Ya know what? Her undying love could wait just a little bit longer.

Having seen quite enough, the young Hyuuga girl hightailed it the hell out of there.

_Has everyone gone insane? I-I need to find Shino! He'll know what to do!_

Suffice it to say, the dark-haired bug-nin was only one street over, coolly resting against a lamppost. Hinata immediately made her way over to her long time friend and teammate.

"Shino-kun! Everyone's gone crazy! T-Tsunade-sama was pulling things out of her…umm…and Sakura was b-beating Naruto with…well…I just don't know anymore!"

Having now rested her trust in the sensible confines of Shino, Hinata was nevertheless surprised when he did not so much as acknowledge her presence.

"S-Shino-kun?"

After a few more seconds of uninterrupted silence, she worked up the nerve to poke him gently in the shoulder. Instantly, his head snapped around, causing the Hyuuga maiden to hop backwards in fright.

"Shino-kun! Are you al-"

"Beef."

Hinata's train of thought immediately derailed and burst into flames. She regarded the boy with a dumbfounded look.

"Umm …w-what?"

Shino adjusted his glasses casually, allowing a single eyebrow to ascend over the rim.

"Beef. It's what's for dinner."

The poor girl just about keeled over dead.

"S-Shino-kun…what does that have to do with _anything_?"

Once again, the bug user adjusted his glasses carefully, now turning completely to regard the small girl before him.

"Hinata-san. It has been decided by the producers of this manga that in lieu of my minor speaking roles, I would be best utilized for advertising purposes. Thus, I have been instructed to speak only in corporate slogans. Such is the way of life."

The young Hyuuga just couldn't wrap her head around that one. And what the hell was a manga?

"S-Shino-kun…are you…s-serious?"

The boy in question regarded her passively.

"You bet your sweet Aspercreme."

Yes…yes indeed.

_Must...maintain...composure...must not allow words to enter inner recesses of brain..._

With that, Hinata backed away slowly, and sped on through the busy streets in pursuit of at least one sane person.

(Yeah, like I'm gonna let that happen.)

Eventually, the poor girl was able to break away from the hustle and bustle of the city streets. In its place rested a scenic beach right on the ocean, accentuated by a cool, crisp sea breeze.

Now, the real mystery wasn't how a landlocked village had both a beach _and_ an ocean to boot, but rather why Rock Lee was repeatedly punching her cousin in the back of the head.

"Neji-san, look behind you!"

"Huh? Where?"

"Blind spot!"

Lee drove a fist into Neji's first thoracic vertebrae.

"GAH! Dammit Lee! What the hell!"

The Taijutsu master was overcome with an abashed look.

"I…I am sorry, Neji-san. It will not happen again, I give you my heartfelt- hey! Tenten in a bikini!"

"Seriously? Holy crap! Where!"

"BLIND SPOT!"

If that were not enough, the sand siblings had come to visit Konaha, and two of them were playing in the…well, you know. Gaara happened to be making sandcastles.

"C'mere mister crab! You can be king! Aren't you just the cutest little king? Aren't you? Yes you are! _Yessh you aww!_ Huggles! Tee-hee!"

Oddly enough, Gaara's laughter was not unlike the tortured, abysmal cries of unjustly murdered orphans.

But in a good way.

Nevertheless, it was Kankuro trying to make a G.I. Joe manhandle Barbie that really pushed things over the edge.

"Hey babe. Wanna see my cobra?"

"Oh, take me you true American hero! _Take me now_!"

To top it off, Shikamaru was using Shadow Bind no jutsu to practice synchronized swimming with the female of the trio.

"Isn't this fun, Temari? We'll win the competition for sure!"

(Gasp) "Dammit Shikamaru-kun! You're going to drown us both!"

"Heh, I know for a fact you can hold your breath much longer than that…"

O.o

"Shikamaru!"

"What? You held your breath for two whole minutes last time we went pearl diving, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…"

"Plus, last night when you-"

"_Shikamaru!_"

Prancing around the bickering pair were Ino and Choji, apparently trying to master the art of water walking. The blond kunoichi was holding her own, but Choji was just amazing! He wasn't sinking an inch!

"Wow Choji-kun! You're really good at this! I can't even sense you using any chakra!"

A red glow abruptly engulfed the large boy's face.

"I…err…I'm not."

Ino simply cast him a puzzled look.

"Umm…then how are…?"

A slight twitch attacked the food-nin's features as he rubbed his belly.

" …Maybe I should go on that diet after all…"

To say the least, Hinata's brain was quickly approaching the point of critical meltdown. Unfortunately, she happened to catch a glimpse of Sasuke and Itachi sitting on an outcropping of rocks, having a heart-to-heart moment.

"Sooooo…I murdered our entire family."

_Twitch_

Itachi cast a forlorn glance out towards the rolling waves.

"Yeah…they really suffered horribly."

_TWITCH_

"Well, actually, I guess it might have been 'cause of the torture, but…you know."

_Hatred_…_rising_…

Itachi clapped Sasuke on the back.

"Oh! Ha! Did I mention they pleaded endlessly for mercy? It was _hilarious_! They were all like 'No, Itachi! For the love of everything sacred and _pure_, we're you're family! Please don't kill us!' and I was all like 'Suck it' and went completely ape shit _insane _on their asses! Man, those were the days...you should've been there."

A pause.

"Oh, right…"

Afraid he was losing this one chance to reach out to his little brother, the Akatsuki member leaned over to pull his sibling into an affectionate squeeze.

Sasuke whipped out a kunai and stabbed Itachi in the face.

"_That's what you get for being a team killing fuck-tard!"_

Undeterred, Itachi cast a vice-like bear hug upon the Uchiha prodigy.

"Why won't you just love me!" (Sob)

"I hate your _soul_!"

"That's just the emo talking! I know you really care!"

"You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you _die_!"

This was just about too much for poor Hinata, and the young woman began to question the wisdom of why she had even bothered to get up in the morning. Ye gods! What had the world come to when everyone and everything had completely lost any practical meaning! It just didn't make sense! Why was this even happening? What had she done that would possibly warrant such a-

Truth be told, it was just one of those days, and the small Hyuuga heiress was taken completely off guard when a gigantic clam struck her right in the head.

"Sorry! Could we have that back?"

Still rubbing her temple, Hinata shakily bent down to retrieve the large crustacean.

Which actually turned out to be a human scapula.

_"OH MY GOD!"_

Just at that moment, a beaming Kimimaro ran up and plucked the bone plate out of her hands.

"Heh heh, yeah, I get that a lot."

Without further adieu, the homemade Frisbee found itself sailing back towards Mizuki and Iruka. Both were giggling like schoolgirls as they romped and frolicked in matching pink Speedos embroidered with the Leaf insignia atop their naughty bits.

Just before the Hyuuga maiden entered the first stages of a complete mental breakdown, it occurred to the petite girl that she still might have a chance of making at least _some_ sense out of this mess.

Kurenai-sensei.

Surely, if anyone could keep a level head in a situation like this, it would be her!

As the young girl raced off in search of her mentor, an impish grin suddenly crept across her lips. Despite all the insanity and general anarchy that had thus far made up her day, some lines of thought about a certain foxy boy just wouldn't die so easily. Not to mention the added bonus of a few helpful hints from a certain well-endowed someone.

In fact, you might even say Hinata had kept herself 'abreast' of the situation.

_I am _so_ stuffing Ramen down my shirt the next time I see Naruto-kun!_

* * *

...Wow. 

I don't have a clue as to what possessed me to write this, but I hope you liked it anyway!

I seriously can't tell if this is funny, or if the undercooked hamburger from yesterday finally caught up with me.

Ah well.

So, yeah, should I continue this? There's still a whole lot of ninja's I haven't covered yet. Anyway, I'll let you decide.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, my favorite part was with Shino, but that's just me. LoL

Don't forget to review! I'll be REAL interested to see what people think of this one...


	2. What About Cherries?

_**Disclaimer:**_ Nope...still don't own it...

Well, waddaya know? There's a second chapter! And in record time, no less! Completely forsaking any hope of a solid storyline sure does cut down on the production costs...

So here's the next part in Hinata's continual struggle to bring some order back to the village! Enjoy!

* * *

With steamy images of Naruto-kun still freshly etched into her brain, Hinata raced down the streets of Konaha, eager to find her sensei and figure out just what the hell was going on. 

Alleyways and corner shops became a single blur in the heated pursuit of answers. It was only when she neared the Hyuuga Estate did the petite girl take any notice of her surroundings.

And the music.

_Ballet_ music.

Hinata came to a skidding halt, nearly giving the old woman before her a massive heart attack. (Heh, even I wouldn't be that cruel. The clot won't reach any major arteries for at least another twenty-five seconds.)

Regardless, the young girl approached the large structure with a sense of growing trepidation. The way things had been going today…

Figuring that the welfare of her ungrateful family should take precedence, Hinata silently made her way towards the courtyard and squeezed both eyes shut before ducking around a corner. '_Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies' _was echoing modestly throughout the area.

_Please oh please oh please_…(peek)

Gliding along in the most elegant fashion was Hanabi, dressed in her usual navy blue attire.

The Hyuuga heiress released a cleansing breath.

_Oh thank goodness…for a second there, I thought it might be-_

"_Hanabi_! What are you doing?"

The much younger girl snapped to attention as a deep blush enveloped her features.

Hyuuga Hiashi swept into the expansive room, a deep scowl firmly set upon his countenance.

"F-Father! I-I was just…it isn't…I was only-"

Harboring an almost regal air of unspoken dignity, a hushed whisper of silk dusted the floorboards as the head of the Hyuuga compound looked on in disgust.

"Hanabi…I am _very_ disappointed in you…"

The small child held her head low, misery and shame overshadowing one another.

"Yes, father…I will try harder to become-"

But Hiashi would have none of it.

"Everyone knows its spin, twirl, _then_ thrust! Now do it again!"

O.O

The poor girl found herself unable to even blink.

"F-Father…?"

(Sigh) "Here, let me show you."

In one fluid motion, the venerable Hyuuga clan leader threw off his ceremonial robes to reveal a stylish pink tutu with matching rainbow leg warmers.

And ribbons.

Can't forget the ribbons…

From somewhere over yonder, a horrified 'meep!' was quickly swept beneath a barrage of commands.

"Now, follow me! Spin! Twirl! _Thrust_!"

Compelled by some unknown call of the Muse, Hanabi quickly burst into a dazzling display of leaps and pivots.

"Excellent! Now, thrust my daughter! Thrust! _Thrust as you have never thrust before!_ Observe your father!"

At this point, Hiashi's hips were gyrating wildly, Hanabi was trying desperately to block out certain mental images and Hinata was retching loudly in a corner.

_Kurenai-sensei…NOW!_

The pale-eyed kunoichi all but leapt through the wall in her haste to get away from whatever horrific travesty had just befallen her senses. It was one thing for her father to practice ballet, but for him to be _that_ _good_ at it…(shudder).

Still trying desperately to wipe the previous images out of her mind, the young woman decided it best to employ the Byakugan to find her sensei as soon as possible. With her mind firmly set, the Hyuuga heiress leapt to the nearest rooftop for a better view.

And touched down right next to Tenten.

"Hiya!"

"GAH!"

Hinata stumbled backwards, only to pitch over and land square on her bottom.

Well, actually, it was more like two ovals, but that's a technicality. The thing that really caught both girls' attention was when the roof barked.

Tenten immediately took on a huge grin.

"_Lassie!_"

The pale-eyed young woman likewise yelped in surprise when a particularly cold nose decided to say hello, but that was drowned out by Tenten's squeals of delight. In an instant, the weapon mistress booted Hinata out of the way in order to extract Akamaru from beneath her posterior.

"Hi Scooby! How's my favorite little puppy dog! Did that mean old girl go and squish you flat?"

"Arf!"

"Awwww…_kisses_!"

As both Tenten and her new furry friend began to exchange spit, the Hyuuga maiden removed her forehead from the gentle embrace of a brick chimney.

Dazed, confused, and just a little hungry, Hinata regarded the two of them with more than a bit of dread.

"T-Tenten-san, that's not…umm…_Lassie_. It's-"

"Rin Tin Tin!"

The Hyuuga twitched violently; every other person she met today ended up leaving his or her personalized bit of mental scaring. Thus far, it didn't seem too promising this time around either...

An odd hush overcame all three figures.

Tenten had an oblivious look on her face, Akamaru raised an adorable furry eyebrow and Hinata slowly let her jaw drop as she just now took in the girl's attire.

"T-Tenten-san! W-Why are you wearing a bikini…?"

The bikini-clad girl smiled impishly.

"Well _jeez_ Hinata-chan, would you rather have me go around naked?"

The girl in question turned beet red.

"Uh…t-that's not what I-"

"Ohhhh…you mean _why_ am I wearing a bikini…I get it!"

Hinata waited for an explanation. She was met with a vacant stare.

"A-And…?"

"And what?"

(Sweat drop)

Before their 'conversation' could progress to its intellectually stimulating conclusion, Akamaru began to whine and fidget in Tenten's arms. The small white puppy found himself gently placed back upon the ground. (Err, roof. Sorry.)

"What is it Toto? Is something wrong?"

"Arf!"

"Huh? What is it boy? What's the matter? Is it Kiba?"

At this, Hinata's eyes grew wide. She had completely forgotten about Kiba-kun!

"Arf arf!"

"What about Kiba, boy? Did he fall down the well again? Is that it, Benji? Huh? Did he fall down the well?"

_"Arf!"_

Tenten took on a look of righteous conviction and spun towards Hinata. Two lavender eyes twitched uneasily.

"Well, you heard Beethoven! Time for a rescue mission!"

This was met with a bewildered stare.

"W-what? How did you even-"

"_RESCUE MISSION!"_

And with that, the young Hyuuga was tossed over a shoulder and swept away to parts unknown.

Somehow, in the intervening time between Hinata's semi-abduction and their arrival at said well, Tenten had managed to change into a fedora complete with authentic whip and matching leather jacket.

"Ok you two…watch out for boulders…"

A pause.

"And velociraptors."

For some odd reason, that didn't sit too well with the Hyuuga maiden.

_How did we get here? Where did this jungle come from? What was Kiba doing around an old well? Who came up with this dumb storyline? When did Tenten get out of her bikini and why didn't I ever think of wearing one around Naruto-kun!_

Hinata took a deep mental breath, then suddenly caught the part about velociraptors.

"Eep! Tenten! I don't wanna-"

The weapon mistress shushed her with a hand gesture and scooped up Akamaru all in one motion.

"Hinata-chan, Odie, let's roll out! Oh, and Hinata-chan…"

Still rather shell-shocked from the last announcement, the small girl regarded her flamboyant guide uncertainly.

"Err…y-yes?"

"…Call me Doctor Jones."

(Sob) T-T

And with that, all three of them resumed the task of focusing their minds on the mission at hand.

Tenten had a confident look in her eyes, their little white mascot was having the time of his life wedged up against her chest and Hinata was trying desperately to hold on to the last bits of her precious sanity.

With a great intake of breath, the two girls and one dog took a collective step forward…and were there.

It was a pretty big well.

"Here we are! Now, _let us commence_!"

The overzealous young woman pumped a fist high into the air...

Alas, it would have been slightly more impressive if the leather-clad girl hadn't remained statue-esque for almost two full minutes after that.

Eventually, Hinata raised her hand in a timid manner.

"U-umm, T-Ten-err, _Doctor Jones_? Do…do you at least have a plan?"

At this statement, the boisterous kunoichi smiled knowingly and tipped her hat forward.

"Nope. I just make it up as I go along."

That was followed by a rather grave look of fear, which in turn was followed yet again by a firm grip on the wrist and a lunge forward towards the hole.

Both young women peered down the opening as far as they could, hopeful to get a look at Kiba-kun. It wasn't helping much that Hinata had a debilitating phobia of heights.

(Still, nothing would quite compare to the time Gaara led a class field trip of first year academy students to the local meat packing factory. Suffice it to say, most of the village children still couldn't order a McNinja Deluxe© without bursting into tears and/or having a mild seizure. Gaara had a hell of a good time, though.)

"Kiba! You down there?"

"K-Kiba-kun? H-Hello…?"

"…Arf!"

From the very depths of the near-black pit, a muffled groan could be heard over the dull roar of boulders falling and velociraptors mating.

No, wait, that was just Hinata's brain trying to give itself a hemorrhage. Turns out it was only the wind.

"Don't worry Kiba! We're gonna getcha!"

Unclasping her whip, Tenten gradually lowered the item further and further down the dark expanse. Hinata had a horrified expression plastered across her face.

"Tenten-san! Your whip, w-why is it so…shiny?"

A pause.

"Are those…?"

"Yep! _And call me Jones, dammit!_ Or at least Junior…"

"…Umm, _ok_, but when did you…"

"Eh? Oh, right! Well, I always had the kunais, but the senbons were a little more...troublesome. Let's just say I more than compensated Genma-sama for his gracious donation and leave it at that, hmm?"

_Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far…no wait, it was like four miles east._

(Knock) 

…

(Knock-knock…open)

…

"Genma? Are you here? It's Shizune. Are you ready for our date…?"

A muffled groan came from the next room. The young woman raised an eyebrow as she headed further into the house.

"Genma? Are you…_holy_ _crap_! What happened?"

Lying on the floor was the senbon ninja, pinned to his couch by the sheer weight of an Olympic javelin sticking out of his mouth. He cast her a wide-eyed plead for mercy.

"Sheezoo! Shank gooness! I wushin 'aying atteshin an gabbed dis fye mishake! Shomon shole all my shenbaas!"

Shizune simply stared wide-eyed at her flattened boyfriend. Ever so slowly, a thin smile began to work it's way across her lips.

"Heh…heh heh…ha ha…HA! HA HA HA! HAHAHAHAHA! (gasp)."

"Sheezoo! Wha da hell! Shish is no waffing matah!"

The young woman doubled over in a fit of hysteric giggles.

Genma sweat dropped.

"Uh…a wittle halp heh? Sheezoo? Hewwo? _Sheezoo_!"

(Snort) "Huh? What? Oh…yeah…heh heh, don't worry. Let me just (snicker) get this off of you…"

Her delicate hands momentarily hovered above his pointy retainer.

"Would you say all of that again, just one more time?"

"_SHEEZOO!"_

_Back to the others!_

Rendered speechless, the Hyuuga could only watch in sheer astonishment as Tenten's whip, comprised solely of expertly woven kunai and senbon, finally found its way down to the ailing boy.

As they were pulling him up, Tenten, in her infinite wisdom, was rambling on about the proper ways to club a baby seal.

"So then, you just swing your arm back and BAM! Instant pair of slippers!"

Despite herself, Hinata absently wondered if that would work on Naruto-kun…

Several minutes later, Kiba found himself perched atop the lip of the well, no worse for wear.

(Except for the two and a half pints of blood lost when he looped the 'whip' between his legs for a better weight distribution. Eh, he didn't need both of them anyway…)

Akamaru leapt into his master's arms.

"K-Kiba-kun…are you-"

"WOOT! _Operation: Dog Boy_ is a success! High fives all around!"

Hinata immediately shuffled away, Tenten still had both arms in the air, and Kiba looked downright pissed.

"What the _hell_, Tenten! If you hadn't shoved me down there in the first place, I wouldn't be bleeding out of my crotch right now! Why would you go and do something like that? We hardly even know each other! And at what point did it seem _remotely_ like a good idea to kidnap poor Akamaru and nearly kill me in the process, _huh_?"

Tenten cast him a vacant grin.

Kiba regarded her menacingly.

Hinata patted her teammate on the shoulder, still trying to figure out why he wasn't dead from massive blood loss yet.

All three eased into an uneasy silence, eyeing one another with more than a hint of duress.

Kiba sighed.

"Well, at least I'm safe now. Let's all just-"

And that's when Tenten shoved him down the well…again.

Hinata's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.

"GAH! Damn you Tenten! Daaaammmnnnnnn yyooouuuuuuu-"

_THUD_

The wild kunoichi spun around and locked a pair of crazed eyes upon the girl behind her.

"Well, that's done. Let's go home!"

The Hyuuga maiden nearly pitched over.

"Tenten!"

"Jones or Junior!"

"W-Whatever! Why did you shove Kiba-kun down the well again!"

Tenten took on a look of unparalleled shock.

"GASP! Kiba fell down the well?"

"W-Wha…yes! You just-"

_"RESCUE MISSION!"_

And with that, the weapon mistress did a leaping swan dive into the dark confines of her newest objective.

Hinata was simply left there…all alone…_dumbfounded_.

"T-Tenten-san! K-Kiba-kun!"

The petite girl raced over to the lip of the well, peering down as far as possible. She could hear moans from deep below.

"D-Don't worry! I'll help you! Just let me...err...just...let me, umm...huh?"

Hinata stopped for a second, and listened.

_That...that's odd. Those moans, they...they don't really sound...hmm..._

Curious as to what was going on, Hinata activated her Byakugan. And gasped.

Oh.

Oh _my_...

_I had no idea Tenten was so flexible! I wonder if Naruto-kun could do that with _my_ legs and the middle section of a collapsible quarterstaff..._

Figuring that the two of them wanted some 'alone time', the young Hyuuga maiden slinked off towards Konaha in the hopes of finding her sensei before any more silliness presented itself.

Of course, that only lasted so long as it took her to notice the hand on her shoulder.

"Subway. Eat fresh."

"Shino-kun!"

The young woman gave her teammate a joyous smile.

"Oh, Shino-kun! I-I'm so glad to see you! Of everyone I've met so far, you're one of the few that seems to not have completely lost their-"

The young man adjusted his glasses.

"Hinata-san. Listen carefully. Something strange is going on in Konaha, and you're the only one who can stop it. I'm not sure precisely what the nature of this ailment is, but I have a feeling it might be the work of some powerful Genjutsu, though its possible that we are dealing with forbidden jutsu as well. I'm not sure why you aren't affected, but I know you can find the answer in Hokage-sama's office. The fate of the entire village rests upon your shoulders, Hinata-san. May Kami be with you."

The girl in question was absolutely speechless.

"Shino-kun! Y-You have a very nice speaking voice! You should use it more often!"

The bug-nin twitched ever so slightly.

"Hinata-san, have you heard anything I just said?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah! Wait...how do you possibly _know_ all of that? I always thought you were smart, but...a-are you a genius too, like Shikamaru and Neji?"

The dark-haired boy adjusted his glasses absently, once again regarding the small girl in a cool, collected manner.

"No, Hinata-san. But I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

The Hyuuga's eyes bugged out. (HA! Get it? 'Bugged out'! I didn't even mean to do that!)

"S-Shino-kun, wha-"

_"POOFY NO JUTSU!"_

And just like that, the bug-nin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Left with no other alternative but to return home, Hinata leapt off in the direction of Konaha, eager to help her friends break free of whatever spell they were currently under.

Even more so, the young woman was eager to steal a peek at some of Tsunade-sama's medical books to see if what Tenten had been trying to do to Kiba was even anatomically possible.

As the young woman sped off through the trees, a rather enticing image of Naruto-kun slathered in whipped cream and frosted cherries gave her a strong incentive for the fulfillment of this mission.

_Hmm. I wonder if Tenten would give me some pointers on how to hold a kunai like that without using either of my hands..._

* * *

What's this? The faintest indication of a plot? Goodness me! Guess than means I have to start thinking things through a bit more from now on. 

Or not. Whichever.

Hope you liked chapter 2! Expect to see some new faces next chapter as well...


	3. A Haiku, From Me to You

**_Disclaimer:_** Just...no.

Holy crap! Chapter 3! That's one more than Chapter 2! Awesome! I use too many exclamation points!

Anyway, I got lazy and didn't update as soon as the last one. Sorry. :(

Not too sure how often this will be updated, but if you guys are interested in me continuing, then I'll make time.

Ok, I'll stop now. Hope this makes you laugh!

* * *

Before she knew it, Hinata was once again leaping from branch to branch amidst the tranquil splendor of Konaha's rich assortment of natural beauty. Majestic trees swayed gently in the breeze, a small surge of leaves swept across the weather-beaten path, and a decrepit old diner rose above the main road in all it's redneck glory. 

Wait...that wasn't right.

Unwilling to believe her eyes, the Hyuuga maiden altered her direction ever so slightly, allowing for an easy landing right next to the homely little eatery. '_Ninja's Delightful Dining'_ was engraved in hearty gold letters high above the entrance.

_I...I don't remember seeing this place before..._

The young woman's belly let out an angry growl. She gave it a reassuring pat.

_Maybe it won't be so bad ...it'll just be for a second or two..._

Somewhere in the back of her mind, the misguided kunoichi knew this was obviously a horrible idea, but dammit, she was hungry! Those little pastries from breakfast just weren't doing their job. (However, the thought of 'Hot Cross Naruto Buns' did bring up some delicious mental images...)

As another plaintive whine echoed throughout her tummy, Hinata pushed open the large double doors and entered the musty structure.

She was greeted by Hayate-sama.

"Welcome to…(sniff)…Ninja's Delightful Dining…(cough). Please enjoy…(hack-choke-_wheeze_)…your meal…(snort)."

With formalities set aside, the young woman was immediately shuffled over to a small, two person table.

Orochimaru and Kabuto were three booths to the left. The Sannin had a child-like grin plastered across his albino features.

"Go on! Take a sip!"

Kabuto assumed a disgusted look at the unbridled joy present upon his mentor's face. The large glass of berry pink lemonade resting in his hand wasn't helping much either.

"Orochimaru-sama...this is the _last time_ I let you pick where we go out to lunch..."

The white-robed ninja could barely contain his excitement as he waved fervently towards the drink. Kabuto let out a sigh, unwrapped his straw, and took a sip.

Orochimaru was practically on top of the table, shaking with glee.

"_So_? What do you think?"

The young med-nin adjusted his glasses.

"About what? It tastes like lemonade. Could use a bit more sugar, though..."

Slender wisps of obsidian hair swayed side to side as a pair of reptilian eyes blinked in amusement.

"No, _silly_. Not the drink! The other part!"

That was met with an open look of trepidation.

"What...other part?"

Kabuto blanched visibly.

"You didn't lace my ice cubes with anthrax again, did you?"

The Sannin let out an effeminate laugh, much to his lackey's non-amusement.

"Oh, Kabuto...haven't you figured out my _incredible_ plan yet. It's genius!"

He cast a delicate finger towards the site of his ultimate barbaric achievement.

"Look! See? I replaced all the bendy straws with straight ones! I am _so evil_!"

Kabuto face-palmed.

"Oh for..._dammit_ Orochimaru-sama, we've been over this. If you want to be evil, you have to think big! Set fire to the burn ward in a hospital, toss a few kittens in the microwave, soak someone's contact lenses in bear mace or, I don't know, steal chocolate from a pregnant woman. The point is, you have to start with things that will bring the most pain to the most people in as short a time as possible. Do you understand?"

The snake-nin suddenly took on a look of heart-wrenching disappointment.

"B-But everyone _loves_ bendy straws...I...I just throught..."

Orochimaru promptly burst out in tears and curled into the fetal position. Kabuto sweat-dropped.

"Oh, uh...hey, c'mon Orochimaru-sama. There's always next time."

Kabuto reached over and gave the snake-nin an uneasy pat on his giant purple ribbon.

"Maybe...maybe we could go and fill out some fake adoption papers! Would that make you feel better?"

A pale, tear-stained countenance glanced upward. The older ninja smiled weakly, then nodded.

"There...see? Don't you feel better now _Oro-chan_? Just think of how _awful _those poor little orphans will feel when they realize no one loves them. Again!"

That was met with a joyful grin from both parties as the two ninja rose from their respective seats and headed for the exit. As luck would have it, they walked right past a certain young woman.

_Bam!_

Orochimaru pitched forward, taking Kabuto with him. Evidently, he had tripped over a dainty leg eased ever so slightly into the aisle. Both men immediately picked themselves up off the floor. The snake-nin made a hasty bow.

"So sorry, my dear! Entirely our fault!"

A light blush engulfed Hinata's delicate features.

"I-It's ok..."

And with that, both Sound-nin left the premises...albeit with a fiery pale-eyed glare boring into the back of their skulls.

_That's what you get for stealing my bendy straw you pasty-faced son of a bitch!_

With that bit of passive aggressiveness worked out of her system, the young woman began to peruse the menu.

_Hmm...'Chef's Special'. I wonder what that could be..._

"May I take your order?"

Surprised at the voice, Hinata looked up to cast her waiter a pleasant smile.

Unfortunately, it was more of a horrified gurgle.

Uchiha Itachi grinned knowingly, trying to subdue a light blush.

"Heh, yeah, a lot of people in Konaha have that response around me. I don't know why, though...ah well, as long as I have this part-time job, guess I'll just have to get used to it! Now, have you decided on your order?"

Hinata stabbed an accusatory finger at the red-eyed, clan-murdering demon.

"Y-You're Sasuke's brother! I-I remember seeing you out by the rocks!"

Itachi immediately assumed an expression of sheer wonderment and awe.

"GASP! You know my brother? How wonderful! Here, take a look at this!"

Before she could protest, Hinata found herself holding a small piece of paper torn from below Itachi's defaced headband.

"This is a copy of the letter I sent him yesterday! Oh, do you think he'll like it? Do you? I hope he does..."

Utterly confused and still pretty damn hungry, the young Hyuuga maiden was left with no other choice but to comply with the Uchiha's wishes.

She read silently:

_Dear Sasuke,_

In light of our recent 'misadventures', I have written a Haiku of Love so that you may see how much I truly care about our special bond. May this symbol of my devotion light the way to a new beginning for both of us.

A Haiku, by Uchiha Itachi

_My little brother._

_I love you with all my heart._

_Please come back to me._

P.S. Enclosed are some various accessories to fulfill your everyday ninja needs. Please think of them as a small gift to make up for all that I've put you through.

_Love, _

_Itachi_

Hinata glanced upward to see a massive pair of adorable anime eyes looking down upon her.

"So! Do you think he'll like it? Huh? Do ya?"

"I...uh...don't really..."

"Was it not enough? Oh, maybe I should have packed a sweater, too. I hope he doesn't get too cold at night with that unfeeling emo attitude of his..."

"Umm, well...I just think..."

"It was the Haiku, wasn't it? Maybe I should have stuck with a simple iambic pentameter...or better yet, an epic poem!"

"Err, _perhaps_, but...m-maybe if I had a bit of food, I could-"

"That's a great idea! I could send him a fruit basket! _Everyone _loves fruit baskets!"

Then, by some inexplicable crime against mankind, Itachi assumed the Nice Guy pose.

"Sasuke, my precious little brother, we shall be a family again soon!"

And with that, the Akatsuki member paraded out the front door in search of the Yamanaka Flower Shop. Hinata was left alone, confused, and ready to eat damn near anything that crossed her path.

Too bad it was a baseball-sized spider descending from the ceiling.

"_Oh sweet God,_ g_et away from me!_"

With menu in hand, Hinata batted the small monstrosity half way across the room.

Alas, it was a simple matter of misfortune that the spider was still attached to it's thread.

Several moments later, an eight-eyed pendulum swung back along its prescribed path and landed right on the Hyuuga maiden's face.

From its new vantage point, the creature tried to give her a reassuring smile.

This immediately caused part of Hinata's soul to shrivel up and _die._

Accompanied by yet another horrified shriek, the young woman hurled the creepy crawler across the room and into the swinging door leading to the kitchen.

It was at that moment that Kidoumaru pushed his way into the dining area, one rag and spray bottle in each of his many hands. A slight twitch offered by the splattered arachnid caught his attention immediately, causing the young sound-nin to take on a stupefied expression.

"Gertrude? Oh, Gertrude! Are you ok? _Speak to me!_"

From its position on the door, the small arthropod let out one final, muted squeak.

"No...don't try to talk. It'll be ok, don't worry. It'll all be ok..."

And with that, the cleaning supplies dropped to the floor as the six-armed boy gathered up his spindly little friend in three separate pairs of outstretched hands.

Hinata was almost moved to tears at the emotional sight, but then realized how gawd-awful creepy they looked together and instead felt nauseated.

"U-Umm...I'm s-sorry if I hurt him, uh, her...it."

Kidoumaru looked up from his broken companion.

"Huh? Oh, this? Eh, it happens."

And with that, he tossed the deceased creature into the nearest trash bin.

"There's a helluva lot more where that one came from. See?"

Still a bit shocked at the callous dismissal of a lost loved...thing, Hinata turned to look in the direction offered by the rival genin.

The sight that greeted her could only be characterized as a swift kick to the brain.

There before her sat about a half dozen spiders, all on the same table, cleaning and scrubbing various plates and utensils with their hairy little legs. One was trying to scratch off some excess food with its fangs.

That in itself would have been more than enough to send the Hyuuga over the deep end, and thus it just hurt all the worse when she realized they were somehow humming _'Whistle While You Work'_.

In C-minor.

It was at this point that Hinata subconsciously quarantined part of her mind so that her head wouldn't explode, implode, then explode once again.

_Sideways_.

And thus, she was left with no alternative but to accept her current predicament and be merry...or die trying.

She smiled pleasantly.

"Aww...t-they're kinda cute in a..._hideous_ sort of way..."

As the troop of workers finished their tasks, each clamored back up to the ceiling, carrying with them all the dirty dishes. Several seconds later, a tiny spiderling scurried back down to collect the tip.

Kidoumaru glanced over at the young woman with a renewed sparkle in his eyes.

"Yeah...they're real good for cheap labor. My giant spider summon in the back just keeps spittin'em out. I call her Silky."

Hinata raised an eyebrow at that, and turned around just in time to see a massive spider leg extend from the kitchen and offer a short wave.

"W-Was that-"

"Yep. You wouldn't believe how good of a cook she is. Not too bad in bed, either..."

Hinata nearly keeled over. Kidoumaru blinked.

"Wait, did I say that last part out loud? _Crap_."

The poor young woman immediately headed for the door, trying to erase the horrifying image of spider smut from the confines of her brain.

(Mind you, nothing would ever compare to the time Gaara decided to offer a Sex Ed. course for the village children. In retrospect, sodomizing one of Kankuro's puppets using Temari's fan might not have been the best idea after all. Still, at least he got a good laugh when the poor sand kunoichi tried to figure out how the handle of her chosen weapon had been embedded with so many splinters.)

It seemed food would have to wait as Hinata made her way to the exit. She hardly took one step outside before bumping into Gamabunta's toe.

"Ay! Oi! Watch it down there!"

The young girl looked up...and up...then down (just for the hell of it) and up once more. Her jaw rested quite pleasantly atop her sandals.

Luckily, the normally shy Hyuuga was spared the indecency of trying to apologize to a gigantic amphibian when a random French waiter appeared out of nowhere.

"Iz zee toad re'dee with hiz ordare?"

"Eh? Oh, yeah. I'll have one 'Chef's Special'. And make it snappy!"

"Ze 'Chef Spe'cial'! Magneefic!"

The waiter promptly scurried off to parts unknown, Gamabunta took a slow drag off his pipe, and Hinata desperately tried to figure out the sheer dynamics that would allow such a gargantuan creature to have eluded her senses up to this point.

Before she could try and make sense of the situation, a large silver platter found itself deposited before the Boss Toad.

"Ze 'Chef's Spe'cial'. Enjoy!"

With all the zealous...umm, _zeal_ of a giant frog, Gamabunta tore into the delicacy with enough gusto to put Choji to shame.

(Munch-munch…munch...)

Had Gamabunta been wearing pants, he would have crapped them. _Twice_ (And then once more for good luck!).

"The hell? These…these are _frogs legs_!"

Instantly, the same waiter from before scurried back to the scene of the crime, intent to uncover any problems that might have arisen.

"Iz somezing wrong?"

A menacing glare quickly locked onto the tiny man.

"Yer damn right somethings wrong!"

Unsheathing his sword, the perturbed amphibian held the gleaming point a scant inch before the fool's neck. Both 'men' regarded each other somberly.

"There's hardly any seasoning on these things! Now bring'em back and do it right!"

From her position off to the side, Hinata had a characteristic debilitating reaction of which I'm sure you can imagine by this point in the story. But who cares about that! Let's go see how Itachi's doin'!

_Somewhere, umm...not here._

"Oh, I do hope Sasuke likes my care package! If only there was some way I could know that he got my message..."

Just then, a small falcon dropped an even smaller letter right at his feet. (That's plot convenience for ya!)

Itachi blinked in surprise. It was addressed to him from Sasuke!

"Oh joy of joys! I wonder what he has to say!"

The Akatsuki member bent down and retrieved the tiny envelope before heading over to a bench. After making himself comfortable, the missing-nin opened the letter and began to read. He absently noted a small scrap of paper fall into his lap.

_Dear Itachi,_

In response to your letter, I have decided to compose a Haiku of my own. I hope it adequately expresses my deepest sentiments regarding this 'bond' of which you speak. If there are any residual doubts as to my feelings, please let me know, and I will be more than happy to send another letter.

A Haiku, by Uchiha Sasuke

_Our whole clan is gone._

_You're all thats wrong with this world._

_I hope you die soon._

Please also find enclosed one exploding tag courtesy of your gay-ass ninja giveaway. May the ensuing pain be but a fraction of the sheer agony I will put you through the next time we meet.

_Sincerely,_

_Sasuke_

P.S. I still hate your soul.

Overcome by the onset of deep heartfelt emotions, Itachi's eyes welled up with tears as he gripped the letter close to his heart.

"Oh, Sasuke! That Haiku was _beautiful_! There's still hope for us yet! Now, what was that about an exploding-"

Ka-_PAIN_!

_Back to Hinata!_

Having somehow managed to escape from the insanity that was her life, the pale-eyed Hyuuga heiress continued on through the forest, munching on a char-broiled frog leg she had managed to pilfer from Gamabunta.

_The Toad was right...this does need more seasoning. Hmm, I wonder how _Naruto_ would taste if I rubbed some cracked pepper up and down _his...

Before she could finish her tantalizing thoughts, Hinata abruptly realized that she was standing on the roof of the Hokage's office. (Plot convenience _sooo_ kicks ass.)

_This...this is where Shino said I could find some answers! _

The young woman took on a stalwart look of dire solemnity.

_Alright. Maybe now I can finally help everyone break free from this bizarre chain of events. Everything is now resting on my shoulders...I can't be weak any longer! All my friends are counting on me! Now is the time to get serious, hold my head high, and be the best ninja I can be!_

A pause.

_Plus, I bet Tsunade-sama has some really dirty anatomy books I can look through too!_

* * *

Another Chapter written and submitted! Hope you liked it! 

Hey, so, what are everyone's favorite parts so far? Ya know, just out of curiousity. (Mine's probably still Shino)

Ok, well, thanks for reading all this! Don't forget to leave a review if you feel so inclined! I'd definetly appreciate it!_  
_


	4. A Love to Burn For

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own Naruto...or Kirby. (Though if I did, he might end up as a S'More. Mmm...s'mores...-drool-)

First off, it took _far _too long to update this, so I apologize. College got kinda hectic, and you all know that education stuff has to take priority, no matter what I might want.

To make it up to you all, this chapter is nearly half the length of the last three chapters combined, so I hope you have as good a time reading it as I did writing it. :)

Anyway, here is the latest installment in the ongoing saga of Hinata's rather messed up afternoon. Ok, that's all for now, I've kept you waiting long enough as it is.

Enjoy!

* * *

_"Byakugan!"_

Perched atop Hokage-sama's office, Hinata cast an inspective all-seeing eye upon the surrounding area. Satisfied that no one would observe her infiltration into said building, the young Hyuuga kept low and headed for the back window.

As she made her way to the lip of the structure, Hinata tripped over a Panasonic stereo system that had been carelessly left out for some inexplicable reason. Trying not to think too hard on this curious turn of events, she arbitrarily pressed the play button.

Within seconds, the tiny music player began to belt out the 'Mission: Impossible' theme song.

_Hmm. That seems...oddly appropriate. _

Without further adieu, the young Hyuuga used her mad awesome ninja skillz to slink up to the edge on her belly and peer down into the room below. Her mission, if she chose to accept it, was to gather information that might prove invaluable to the restoration of the village.

Just as she had begun to formulate plans to overcome a myriad assortment of high tech laser death traps and electrified floor tiles, a buck-naked Maito Gai raced up behind her and came to a screeching halt in all his green-clad glory.

Except for the green-clad part. It was made all the worse when he began to jog in place, spork and oatmeal still in hand. (Remember back in Chapter 1? Yeah...)

With Byakugan currently active, the Hyuuga maiden turned around at the bizarre series of noises.

"Good afternoon, Hinata-san! How goes the springtime of youth?"

To say the least, the poor young woman was not quite able to adjust to this newfound situation. She let out a horrified shriek, causing an old woman passing below to have a massive heart attack...again.

"_MY PRECIOUS VIRGIN EYES!_"

Gai gave her a sly wink and grin before flashing the Nice Guy pose.

"Heh, yes...I _do_ tend to have that effect on women..."

Hinata glued a forearm across her face and began to swat the air like a madwoman.

"Go away! Go away! _Go away_!"

The Jounin returned her cordial wave, taking pleasure in the display of such youthful energy. A moment later, Gai's cheerful grin slipped into a rather serious expression.

"Hinata-san, I happen to be on a most youthful mission, and I was hopeful you might help me with my objective."

Alas, for some strange reason, Hinata just wasn't able to get over the sight of Gai's baby maker.

_Oh sweet God, my retinas are **blistering**! I can still see it move!_

Frankly not giving a damn what Gai was talking about, Hinata began to frantically transcribe Naruto's face upon the scarring mental image that currently dominated her mind.

At the very least, she'd be having one _helluva_ good dream in the days to come. :)

"Yes! Fine! Whatever you want! Just put some clothes on!!!"

Gai-sensei puffed out his chest, overwhelmed with youthful pride that someone wished to gaze upon the beautiful green beast of Konaha.

"Of course!"

Within seconds, the tell-tale sounds of latex stretching and conforming finally allowed the poor shell-shocked Hyuuga to open her once more pale lavender eyes.

There stood the Jounin, fully clothed in his ninja regalia, still sporting one steamy bowl of raisin oatmeal.

Hinata tried to regain her composure and began to focus on the task at hand, namely getting rid of one bushy-browed nuisance. Of course, that didn't stop her from asking the worst question imaginable.

"Wait a minute...w-where did that suit come from?"

The Taijutsu specialist took a hearty spoonful of his beloved fiber-filled delicacy before responding.

"I'm so glad you asked! It all started with an incident in the garden, you see..."

Just now realizing her terrible folly, the young woman could only cringe as a previously unknown level of horror came into being. Memories of this day would forever haunt her every time she passed down the cereal aisle at the local Ninja Stop 'n Chop.

"...then, after the _third_ surgery (along with a sphincter transplant) they finally extracted the cucumber! Thats when I figured it would make a _great_ storage compartment. So, I began muscle relaxant therapy the very next day..."

Gai-sensei continued on in his customary pose of youthful valor, a refreshing breeze wafted silently across the almost-but-not-quite-abandoned-enough rooftop, and Hinata seriously began to contemplate Gentle Fisting herself right in the noggin.

"Oh, you wouldn't _believe_ how warm it stays! It's almost like being back inside the womb...well...if the womb consisted entirely of green spandex..."

A pause.

"And smelled faintly of poo."

Right as Hinata lined up the shot, a second blur of green careened into her side, causing both figures to skitter across the rooftop in a massive tangle of arms and eyebrows. The newcomer was back up in an instant.

"Hinata-san! Please forgive my rude actions! Here, allow me."

In one fluid motion, Rock Lee hauled the small Hyuuga to her feet, no worse for wear (Except for the mounting psychological trauma, but who cares about that).

"L-Lee-san?"

Two very round eyes gleamed brightly atop a wide grin.

"Yes, Hinata-san, it is I. Have you by chance seen Neji-san? Last time I saw him, he had something on the back of his neck..."

For some odd reason, that statement gave way to a mischievous smirk, but Hinata quickly dismissed it.

Along with a healthy chunk of her sanity.

Regardless, it was at this time Maito Gai decided to step forward and clamp a hand upon his student's shoulder.

"I've got you now, Lee! You won't be getting away this time!"

The older man flashed Hinata a winning smile. The young woman blanched visibly.

"Thank you for your help in locating the target, Hinata-san! My task is almost complete!"

By this point, Lee had gathered his senses just enough to cast a confused expression upon his master, then down to the vice-like grip currently resting upon his shoulder.

"Sir? W-What is going on? Are we going to train in order to unleash a higher level of youthfulness?"

The bushy-browed man let out a deep, throaty laugh.

"No, my precious student...not quite."

And thats when Rock Lee got _bitch-slapped_ by Gai-sensei.

Hinata let out a startled 'meep!' as the aforementioned boy smashed into and through a brick chimney.

"_Ha_! Now that you've been weakened, I can capture you in a ninja ball!"

Without further comment, the Jounin pulled out a jar of peanut butter and hurled it at his pupil. The diminutive container ricocheted off Lee's glossy bowl cut, sending the young ninja spiraling to the ground amidst a heap of pain and stickiness. (Hell yes! A shameless plug for one of my own stories! Take that self-respect!...wait..._dammit_)

Gai-sensei galloped over to the fallen boy in order to claim his prize.

With all the youthful gusto befitting his form, Maito Gai scoped up the small cylinder and cast the world a blinding Nice Guy pose, completely oblivious to the unconscious genin at his feet.

"Alright! I caught a Lee-mon!" (Gotta train'em all!)

Hinata assumed an expression somewhere between horrified shock and mild constipation.

(Still, nothing would ever come close to the time Gaara fully transformed into Shukaku and rented himself out as a pinata. Inflicting enough psychological damage upon a group of six-year-olds to last them the rest of their natural lives? _Priceless_. Hell, the cake was pretty good too.)

"W-What are you _doing_? W-Why would you hurt Lee-san like that!"

Gai-sensei stiffened visibly at the mention of his injured student.

"Lee's hurt? How did-"

Just then, the older man noticed the near-comatose boy clinging to his left sandal. A pair of thick eyebrows nearly levitated right off his face.

"LEE! What happened to you? Speak to me!"

The second-generation green beast of Konaha slowly opened his eyes as he was shaken out of his peanut butter induced slumber.

"Lee! Oh, Lee...I'm so sorry..."

The young man looked up numbly. One of his poor eyebrows had been cracked in half.

"G-Gai-sensei...is that you...?"

Without warning, the springtime of youth began to overflow as both figures immediately gravitated into a heartfelt embrace.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"_Lee_!"

"_Gai-sensei_!"

Hinata cringed visibly as latex squeaked and stretched amidst the disturbing image of male bondage. (Bonding! Oh dear God, I meant bonding! _Shudder_) To accentuate the mood, a brilliant sunset sparkled in all its majestic glory, bathing the two shinobi in luminescent rays of ethereal beauty.

No, wait, that was just Naruto running by at full speed.

Screaming at the top of his lungs.

O_n fire._

"Naruto-kun!"

Thankful for any distraction from the terrifying image before her, Hinata raced off after her future husband and father of their five million babies. Even though she had always thought he possessed one smokin' bod, this was going a bit too far.

"N-Naruto-kun! Don't worry! I...I'll help you!"

Quite distraught at the idea of Naruto going up in flames, Hinata rushed after him with the untold strength of a heart brimming with naughty thoughts. As she passed through town, a barrage of hoots and hollers guided her ever closer to her beloved.

Suffice it to say, Naruto had quite a lead on her, and it would still take some time to catch up. As she barreled down the streets, the young Hyuuga failed to take any notice of the fiasco currently unfolding within the All You Can Eat Yakiniku Buffet.

_Inside the shop!_

Choji gazed upon the two combatants with eager anticipation.

"I call winners!"

Jiroubou and Kisame glanced up from their respective places at the buffet line. The Sound-nin cast his opponent a scathing frown.

"You're going down, fish face!"

Kisame smirked evilly.

"Heh, bring it on tubby!"

Before either shinobi could get in another cheap shot, Choji scooted to the middle of the room, a checkered flag held high overhead.

"Reeeaaaddyyyy...GO!"

"I am _so_ gonna out eat you, shark guy!"

The missing-nin adjusted his giant sword, flashing the large boy two glistening rows of serrated teeth.

"Heh heh, not if I eat you first, kid..."

Kisame promptly dropped out of sight beneath the expansive table.

"Eh?"

_Duuuuuuu...dun._

Jiroubou glanced all around.

"The heck? Where'd he go...and what's up with that music?"

Suddenly, a large fin glided past a school of shrimp cocktail as it headed towards the orange-haired boy.

_Duuuuu...dun...Duuuuu...dun..._

"Uh...hello? Is someone there...?"

Growing ever closer, the steel gray blade of flesh parted a sea of green Jello, leaving a wiggly and jiggly chasm in its wake.

_Duu...Dun...Duu...Dun...Duu...Dun...Duu...Dun..._

Jiroubou shuffled from side to side, quite uneasy at this new turn of events.

"Is...is that you mommy...?"

_Du-Dun-Du-Dun-Du-Dun-Du-Dun..._

The hefty genin cast a worried glance all around, fearful of what might step out of the shadows. A large dorsal fin submerged unnoticed beneath a bowl of fruit punch.

"Umm...I-I don't think I like this game any-"

_DUN DUN DUN!_

From out of nowhere, a massive form comprised solely of teeth and jaws leapt up before the poor Sound-nin.

_"Holy crap!"_

"Hee hee! Time for a snack break!"

TEETH!

"Gah!"

HORROR!

"'Gah!' again!"

FLUFFY BUNNIES!

"Huh?"

_EXTREME PAIN!_

"AHHHHHHH!"

Kisame rolled back into a chair, rubbing his enlarged belly.

"Mmmmm...tastes like ninja chicken."

To his credit, Choji only wet himself a little. He always knew food would be the death of him, he just didn't think it would be in the form of sushi on two legs. Eager to live and eat another day, the food-nin turned and ran for the door.

The blue-skinned Akatsuki member stood up and cast a creepy gaze upon the Leaf shinobi.

"Hey now, where do you think you're going? I bet you'll taste _real_ good after I boil off all that excess fat..."

The heavy-set ninja stopped dead in his tracks.

"What...did you just say...?"

Kisame smirked, tilting his head to the side so as to get a better view of the bacon and ribs.

"You have a problem with me calling you fat? I'd like to see you try and do something about it!"

The food-nin visibly quaked with rage as he spun about, thrusting an accusatory finger at his verbal assailant. He was overcome with a look of righteous fury.

"I'm not fat!_ I'm just festively plump_!"

In one quick motion, Choji dipped his thumb in a vat of ketchup and immediately began to perform a series of hand seals.

"Let's see you handle this! _Summoning no jutsu!_"

As Choji slammed his palm into the ground, a stark cloud of smoke quickly gave way to the single most powerful member of the entire Akimichi clan.

Kisame promptly doubled over in a fit of laughter.

"_Ha_! It looks like a giant pink marshmallow!"

Lo and behold, a two foot tall basketball-shaped bundle of fluff currently stood in the middle of the floor, complete with little button eyes and an adorable pair of rosy red shoes.

Choji smiled knowingly.

"You're gonna get it now! Say hello to our clan leader, _Akimichi Kirby_!"

Kirby cast the newcomer a disgruntled look before assuming a rigorous fighting stance. (Mind you, an _adorable _rigorous fighting stance.)

Kisame was still wiping the tears out of his eyes.

"Bwahaha! I've seen scarier stuff come out of Tobi's lunch box!"

With a bemused expression still plastered across his face, the missing-nin unsheathed Samehada and gave the fluff ball a poke in the tummy.

"Hee hee! Makes me think of Pillsbury muffins..."

By this point, Kirby had about half a dozen stress marks popping out all over his little pink body, Kisame was giggling like a school girl, and Choji had on a rather dark grin. He crossed his arms in a nonchalant manner.

"I really wouldn't do that if I were you..."

Unperturbed, the amphibious ninja proceeded to get in a few more swift pokes before backing off. His rosy opponent took on a rather vexed look. Kisame gave him another solid jab.

"Ha! Maybe I'll just tear off its legs for fun! It's not like this thing can actually-"

Kirby suddenly inflated to the size of a small condominium.

The Akatsuki member just about crapped himself as his entire life flashed before his eyes. So many regrets...why hadn't he ever just cleaned the fish bowl like his mother asked him to?

(INHALE! CHEW! _SWALLOW_!)

Within seconds, a bright blue ball of marsh-mellowly goodness stood in the middle of the restaurant while adjusting the new pint-sized sword strapped across his back.

Choji struck a pose of supreme confidence and righteous indignation.

His formerly-pink savior waddled off to scarf down some teriyaki beef strips.

"And _that's _why you don't mess with the fat kid!"

_Back to the chase!_

"N-Naruto-kun! Come back!"

Hinata was trailing her blond-haired fireball for all she was worth, shaving off precious seconds by cutting down side alleyways and knocking over old ladies. Well, the latter part wasn't really necessary, but it sure was fun!

"Naruto-kun! Just hold on a bit longer! I-I'll help you!"

She was answered by a chorus of screams, which only made her heart ache all the more.

Luckily for her, 'helping' mainly consisted of patting him roughly all over his body to get the flames out. Heck, if things _really_ got out of hand, she could probably justify stripping him down to his birthday suit and rubbing a bit of ointment on his...

Hinata wiped away a thin line of drool.

_Oh please please **please** let his boxers be on fire! I'd be so grateful!_

Just as she was beginning to close the gap, the young Hyuuga raced past a certain bookstore known for some of its more..._illicit_...reading material.

Kakashi was whistling a cheery tune as he passed through the doorway.

"Porn, please."

An elderly gentleman looked up from behind the counter, placing his newspaper off to the side.

"Corn?"

The Copy ninja quirked an eyebrow.

"Uh, no...porn."

The sales clerk took on a befuddled look as he cupped his ear.

"What's that, son? I could've sworn you said corn..."

Kakashi's one visible eye twitched slightly.

"..._Porn_."

"Regular corn or baby corn? The baby corn was just born, you know."

That little kernal of wisdom was met with an irritated growl.

"I...want..._porn_..."

"Oh! Why didn't you just say that in the first place!"

The older man slipped off his jacket and handed it to the perturbed silver-haired shinobi.

"Here ya go! It's a little worn and torn, but it'll keep you warm this early in the morn!"

"..."

"Umm, sir? You look a bit forlorn..."

The Jounin simply stared at the figure before him. He was met with a congenial grin.

"..._Screw you_, old man." And with that, Sharingan Kakashi stormed out in a huff.

The elderly bookstore owner scratched his head in a curious manner.

"Eh, that was weird. He usually just asks for porn..."

_Hinata's gonna get him this time!_

"Naruto-kun! I'm almost there!"

Taking one final corner, the young woman caught Naruto at a crossroads and tackled him to the ground. Worried sick, she began to pat him down in all the right places.

And most of the wrong ones, too.

Eventually, her hot to trot foxy little man had been downgraded to smoldering, and it was with a great sigh of relief that Hinata noticed he didn't seem to be too injured. In fact, she couldn't find a single burn mark on any of his exposed skin...

For all his recent misadventures, Naruto was currently out like a light, and thus Hinata felt validated to activate her Byakugan and check for any superficial injuries. Several hand signs later, the young woman was checking him head to toe for any serious disruptions to his chakra network.

Satisfied that he was alright, the Hyuuga maiden figured it was probably best to give his nether regions one more close inspection, just in case.

Better to be safe than sorry, after all.

However, before her eyes drifted any further than his navel, she suddenly became aware that something was staring back at her.

Right from the middle of Naruto's belly, two feral eyes materialized into a terrifying fox's head. Before she could even process the meaning of such a thing, the savage form proceeded to leap right out from the boy's stomach and snap at her face.

Hinata fell back with a startled yelp, allowing the jutsu to dissipate in an instant.

Just as soon as she had done so, Naruto let out a low groan and propped himself up. He rubbed one eye sleepily.

"H-Hinata-chan?"

At the mention of her name, butterflies began to flutter wildly inside the young woman's stomach. Now that he was awake, seeing him sitting there in front of her began to wreak havoc upon her senses. She pressed two fingers together timidly.

"N-N-Naruto-kun...a-are you alright?"

The young boy gave her an odd look, than glanced down to the thin wisps of smoke drifting up from his jacket.

"Oh, yeah..."

Despite her paralyzing shyness, the sight of her Naruto-kun injured in any way evoked an involuntary maternal instinct, thus giving her the strength to speak, albeit barely.

"N-Naruto-kun...w-what happened to you...?"

Turning just the slightest shade of red, Naruto cast her a big toothy grin while at the same time throwing an arm behind his neck.

"Heh, well, ya see, I was running late for my training with Kakashi-sensei, so I decided to make some food on the go! After I drank a quart of water and swallowed the dry ramen, I thought it would be faster to just cook it in my stomach..."

Hinata's jaw dropped to her knees. He let out a meek laugh.

"Heh heh, that...probably wasn't such a good idea, huh?"

Both genin remained silent for a time, neither quite sure what to say next, if anything.

"Umm...Hinata-chan?"

Having let her gaze slip off to the side, the young woman turned back slowly, a hesitant smile set upon her lips.

"Y-Yes...Naruto-kun...?"

The male shinobi scampered to his feet, and was quickly followed in kind by his female acquaintance. For some reason, the red glow upon his cheeks hadn't faded yet.

"I, uhh...I just wanted to thank you for helping me again..."

That was met with a quizzical look. Naruto hurried on to explain.

"Ya know, like in the Chuunin exams, when you gave me some ointment..."

"Oh! I...y-you're welcome, Naruto-kun...I was just happy to help..."

Again, a moment of uneasy silence hovered between the two genin.

"I...gotta go, Hinata-chan...umm, I'll see you later."

Hinata cast her eyes a little off to the side and down.

"Oh...o-ok. I'm glad you're feeling better, Naruto-kun..."

From his position a few feet before her, Naruto squeezed both eyes shut and cast her his signature goofy grin, offset by a wave of his hand.

"Bye, Hinata-chan!"

And with that, he ran off to parts unknown. Hinata turned around and let out a sigh. That had been the perfect time to tell him how she felt...why couldn't she be strong, just this once? Why did she always have to be so...

Just at that moment, a flurry of footsteps signaled the approach of someone new, and the young woman prepared herself for any number of trying ordeals. With a single cleansing breath, she turned back around-

And immediately found herself engulfed in a great big hug, smoldering orange jacket and all.

Naruto's cheek was pressed right against her ear.

"Thanks for always being so kind to me, Hinata. You're the best..."

Before she could even think to react, Naruto let her go and darted off into the distance once more. The young woman was simply left there, hands outstretched, unsure what to make of such an event.

Eventually, she crossed her arms atop her chest, mystified at the warmth she found there. As a gradual smile worked its way across her lips, two beautiful rivulets of tears began to cascade down her porcelain features.

_N-Naruto-kun...hugged me, and...he called me 'Hinata'...without a suffix..._

Her smile grew even wider, and the young Hyuuga did a little jump for joy followed by a victory dance. That had been the single greatest moment of her life, and she would not soon forget it.

_Naruto-kun! No matter what, I'm going to find out what's happening to everyone and save you! I'll show you how much I care, no matter how hard I have to try! I promise to do everything in my power to end this madness once and for all!_

Filled with absolute pride and a new sense of purpose, Hinata made her way back to the Hokage's office and slipped in through a side door. To her great surprise and relief, she found Tsunade-sama passed out drunk atop her elaborate desk. Thankful for this gratuitous turn of events, the young woman began to peruse the room. She was eventually drawn to a bookcase in the far corner of the study.

_Hmm, let's see here...'How to Win It Big At Slots'...'Being Hokage for Dummies'...'Lower Back Exercises for the Well-Endowed'...here we go!_

The young woman pulled out a volume of 'So Your Village is Besieged By Some Crazy Ass Jutsu: 10 Easy Steps to Set Things Right Again'.

Just as soon as the book left its respectable place on the shelf, a secret compartment dropped down from the ceiling allowing one Jiraiya-sama to dangle by a thin chain, trapped within a gilded metal birdcage.

As one might expect, Hinata shrieked like a Howler monkey.

"Shh! You'll wake the beast! Do you have any idea how cranky she is after being woken up from a drunken stupor? I _still_ can't feel the right side of my face..."

Having calmed down somewhat, Hinata regarded the Sannin with more than a little trepidation.

"I-I'm sorry, but...I don't have time for this...I-I need to find a way to help the village, and-"

"Wait, did you say 'help the village'? As in you're not insane like everyone else?"

At this rather enlightened statement, Hinata's hopes finally began to perk up.

"Yes! I mean no! I mean, I want to help, but I-I don't know how..."

Jiraiya leaned forward eagerly, wrapping his fingers around the delicate golden bars.

"This is terrific! Together, we might just be able to save the village before its too late!"

The Hyuuga maiden's brow furrowed slightly at that particular phrasing.

"T-Too late? What do you mean?"

The Toad Hermit quirked an eyebrow.

"Eh? Hold on, you mean to say you haven't figured out what's causing this yet?"

Hinata shook her head side to side. Jiraiya took on a rather dark look.

"Oh, I see...I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but..."

The young woman drank deeply from her belief that no matter what, everything would work out somehow, and she would finally be able to confess her true feelings to the boy she loved more than any other. She would never give up on even the slightest chance to save her most beloved hyperactive knuckle-headed ninja.

The Sannin took on a deadly serious expression.

"The truth is, if you don't destroy Naruto in the next couple of hours, everyone in the village will be dead by nightfall."

Hinata nearly choked on her own well-wishes.

* * *

It's official. We have a plot. 

I hope you all enjoy where this is going, as I'm sure I can make it work, crazy puns and all.

As always, thanks a whole lot for reading this, and don't forget to leave a review if you feel so inclined. I'd really appreciate it!

P.S. Thought I'd change things up a little with some NaruHina fluff and a bit of seriousness towards the end. Did it work for ya?

P.P.S. Ha! I almost forgot! I have an official piece of artwork for this chapter on DeviantArt. Go check out my profile's Homepage to see 'Akimichi Kirby'. (Woot!)


	5. The Sage and I

_**DISCLAIMER**_ Ha, don't I wish. Seriously, I would settle just for the rights to the official sound track...

Hoo boy. What's it been, like, two whole months? Yeah, I've been slacking big time. I should have just sat down and written this weeks ago, so I apologize to everyone who was looking forward to the update.

Ok, you didn't click the link to hear me ramble. Go enjoy Chapter 5! (I sure know I did) 8D

* * *

A terrible hush echoed throughout the Hokage's office as both Hyuuga and caged Sage regarded each other with unreadable expressions. Eventually, Hinata shattered the fragile silence by clenching a fist tightly against her chest. 

"That...that can't be true...N-Naruto-kun...Naruto-kun would never..."

Such thoughts were quickly swept beneath a stream of tears as the young woman's bottom lip began to quiver violently.

Jiraiya, on the other hand, assumed a surprised look.

"Wait a minute, you thought I meant it was _his_ fault?"

Hinata glanced upward through a set of misty eyes, trying to fight back a new swell of anguish and uncertainty. She scrubbed a sleeve across her features.

"Didn't you say he had to...d-die...by nightfall?"

At this statement, the Toad Sage scratched the wart atop his nose.

"Heh, well, that might have been a bit hasty. All we really need to do is suppress the demon fox. After that, everything should be just fine."

This new bit of information was meant with a blank pale-eyed stare.

"A d-demon fox? What does that have to do with Naruto-kun?"

Jiraiya quirked an eyebrow, unsure if he had made an error in trusting the petite girl.

"Uhh, how well do you know Naruto, exactly? Are you two...close?"

Ebony bangs brushed past crimson cheeks as Hinata turned her head off to the side.

"I...we were in the same class at the academy, and...we've known each other for years, but..."

A sad frown crept across the young Hyuuga's features as she pressed two fingers together timidly. Jiraiya noted her expression with subdued interest.

"I...w-wouldn't say that we're close, though..."

A mane of white slapped the golden bars as Jiraiya threw his head back in a laugh. Unfortunately, such enthusiasm was cut short when he bashed his skull against the rear of his gilded prison. Still grinning, the Toad Hermit leaned forward slightly, his exuberant smile offset by Hinata's look of utter confusion.

"I like you kid! Something about your personality...that boy needs someone like you to keep him in line! What'd you say your name was again?"

The young woman blushed considerably at such a compliment to her person before realizing she had never properly introduced herself.

"Oh! I...I'm so sorry. My name is Hyuuga Hinata." She offered him a quick bow.

Jiraiya did his best to return the gesture, though it was more of an awkward crouch considering his current predicament.

"Its always a pleasure to meet such a lovely young lady. I'm Jiraiya, the Toad Hermit, though most women simply call me 'Gallant Jiraiya'. You, my dear, may call me either."

At such a formal proclamation, Hinata's eyes grew wide in shock. The Sannin grinned knowingly; it would seem his reputation preceded him even with the younger generation. A smile spread from ear to ear as he waited eagerly for the ego-boosting worship that would most assuredly come his way.

Hinata cast a finger at the entrapped figure. The older man puffed out his chest with unparalleled pride.

"_You're the Pervy Sage!"_

Jiraiya promptly face-planted into the bottom of his cage, which was quite a feat considering his limited mobility.

_Why that orange little...if I ever get out of here, every toad in a hundred mile radius is gonna find a new purpose in life by eating all the ramen in Konaha!_

Whether by way of this newfound verbal slap or a sudden slew of nasty thoughts about Naruto, the Toad Hermit suddenly recalled an interesting tidbit of knowledge as he delicately rubbed his forehead.

"Eh, never you mind about that...now, let's see here..."

The older man pulled out a fastened bundle of papers while shifting to the side, intent on getting a better view of the bound item in his hands. He licked a finger.

"It was Hyuuga Hinata, right?"

The young woman nodded, unsure what to make of this new turn of events. Jiraiya thumbed through the ledger, flipping by pages two and three at a time.

She quirked an eyebrow.

"Umm...e-excuse me, but...what's that?"

A shock of white outlined features locked in concentration.

"Hmm? Oh, its my 'little black book'. And this, my dear girl..."

Without further adieu, a second tiny ledger fell out from the first.

"This is my _little_ 'little black book'. In other words, its Naruto's."

That was meant with a look of shock and disbelief. She was rebuked by a chuckle.

"Now now, don't look so surprised. Every man has one, some just prefer to keep it up here." He accentuated his point with a brief tap on the temple.

"I, on the other hand..."

Jiraiya nonchalantly skimmed through his own bundle of papers, stopping at a particularly juicy entry. He wiped away a thin line of drool before continuing on.

"Heh heh, some of us just like to keep certain memories closer than others..."

Hinata cast him a questioning look, which was immediately followed by a brief cough and clearing of the throat.

"Yes, well, I knew your name sounded familiar. Naruto mentioned you quite a bit during the time I trained him before the tournament."

A silent expression of wonder etched itself upon the young woman's features. Naruto had been talking about her? Had been _thinking_ about her? Surreal butterflies began to flutter in the Hyuuga maiden's belly, giving way to an overwhelming rush of wonderful thoughts and ideas that had only previously been guessed at and prayed for.

"N-Naruto-kun m-mentioned me? W-What...did he say...?"

The Toad Hermit passed by a few more pages before releasing a cry of triumph.

"Here we go! 'Hyuuga Hinata', right after all those cherry blossom entries..."

At that off-handed comment, Hinata's hopes momentarily deflated before she was interrupted by a deep-set voice.

"Hmm, let's see what he wrote...heh, yep, I remember asking him these! Darn kid looked like his brain would melt when I told him to think before he answered...ah well, I'm sure he won't mind if you take a look." Before she could even think to decline, the older man had pressed the small ledger through the bars and into her hands.

Oh, but she shouldn't. It wasn't right...Naruto might be upset if he ever found out.

After all, how would she feel if he ever read her diary?

_If Naruto found out about my stockpile of ramen-flavored underwear, I'd just die! Still, maybe that would be just the thing to...hmm..._

She knew it was an invasion of his private thoughts, but if she had anything to say about it, there would be many more invasive probings of private places anyway...

The young woman maintained a mask of subdued eagerness, both worried and thrilled at the insight into her beloved's inner workings. She opened the small bundle and began to read silently:

_Name_: 'Hyuuga Hinata'

_Good things: '_ Super nice, doesn't hit me, always smiles.'

_Bad things_: 'Too quiet, hides a lot, faints when I go near her.'

_Cup size_: 'Dunno. Maybe one or two. I usually measure my ramen by the pound.'

_Best quality_: 'Hinata has a really, really, _really_ nice pair of-

A startled blush overwhelmed the Hyuuga maiden's cheeks as she turned the page. Within moments, a gentle smile parted her features.

-eyes. I think thats why I like lavender so much. It reminds me of how pretty she is.'

The young woman gingerly closed the small bundle, holding it close to her heart so as to better feel the tender thoughts and memories escaping from the pages.

"N-Naruto-kun...Naruto-kun thinks my eyes are pretty...that _I'm_ pretty..."

As the petite young girl gradually lost her senses amidst a sea of splendid emotions, Jiraiya assumed a warm grin rarely seen upon his weathered countenance.

Who says a pervert can't have a heart of gold?

Regardless, it was with a bleak outlook that he eventually broke the Hyuuga maiden's enticing trance.

"I'm sorry Hinata, but you'll have to save those thoughts for later. There's still the matter of a demon fox to worry about."

The Byakugan heiress snapped out of her revelries in an instant, fully committed to helping Naruto as well as everyone else in the village. Jiraiya observed her determined attitude with an inquisitive smile. Perhaps there was hope after all...

"So, I'm to understand you know nothing of the Kyuubi, correct?"

Hinata thought about that for a moment.

"The...N-Nine Tailed Fox? The one that nearly destroyed our village? W-What does that have to do with Naruto-kun?"

Jiraiya nodded in understanding, quickly coming to the realization that he would have to start from the beginning. The older man cracked his fingers and began to formulate a plan as to the best manner in which to relate such a difficult and heart-wrenching story.

Then again, it would probably be easier to just wing it.

Finger puppets, sketch comedy and interpretive dance all wove together to form a seamless retelling of the connection between everyone's favorite knuckle-headed ninja and the Nine Tails. Oddly enough, Hinata remained remarkably calm during the entire procession, though it might have been due to the fact she was the one to provide a Naruto doll for the ventriloquism act.

"And that, my young friend, is the whole story."

Hinata glanced off into the distance, an unreadable expression set rigidly upon her features.

"That...that explains so much...why no one will acknowledge him...why he has to try so hard just to fit in...its all because of the Kyuubi..." As the young woman slowly turned around, the Toad Hermit was surprised to see her hands abruptly clench into fists.

Jiraiya took on a sad frown. Such news could not be easy to digest so quickly. Though it had to be done, the older man felt a pang of guilt at the knowledge that he might have just cost Naruto the friendship of someone who truly cared about him.

"Hinata...you have to understand...Naruto and the Nine Tails are not one in the same. There's no reason to-"

Before he could finish, the young woman whirled about on the ball of her foot, tears streaming down her porcelain features as a genuine expression of anger enveloped her countenance.

"How dare they treat him like that! Naruto is a hero! If it wasn't for him, there might not even be a village to protect! They're all wrong, every one of them...Naruto is _nothing_ like the Kyuubi!"

Jiraiya was still trying to recover from the shock of such a forceful declaration when Hinata's features crinkled into a weak barrier, scarcely able to hold back a deluge of anguished fear and heartache.

"I-I want to help...I want to help him so much, but...I d-don't know what to do..." A chorus of choked sobs cut off any further expressions of love that might have shone through the small girl's grief.

The Toad Hermit regarded her evenly, gaining a new insight into the strong sense of character present before him.

_This girl...such conviction...to think someone like her would be so caught up with someone like him..._

Jiraiya allowed a wry smirk to etch itself across his aging features.

_That boy...he's a lucky one._

"All right then! It's time for me to tell you how to defeat the Kyuubi!"

The Byakugan heiress glanced upward in shock, her tears momentarily forgotten. She was met with a congenial nod and grin.

"You didn't think I'd send you out there without a plan, did you? Ha! Never let it be said that 'Gallant Jiraiya' knowingly sent a young woman into harm's way. Well, except for that one time...man, she was a _kinky_ one..."

Hinata cringed slightly. Jiraiya simply shrugged.

"As I was saying, the key to defeating the Kyuubi is hitting it with one of these."

The older man produced a thin strip of paper and pressed it through the bars. It was received with a scrutinizing eye.

"Umm...m-milk, eggs, c-cheese, hemorrhoid cream-"

The small list was snatched from her grasp in an instant.

"Not that one! Here, take this."

Hinata once again found herself the recipient of a small strip of paper, although on this occasion it simply possessed a single large kanji drawn in a flowing hand.

"That's a high level sealing jutsu. Simply affix it to Naruto's forehead and it'll stem the flow of chakra in an instant. The only problem is getting close enough to use it."

The young woman regarded her newly acquired weapon with a mixture of both shock and awe.

"So...h-how do I do that...?"

She was answered by a blank stare.

"Eh?"

Hinata took on a somewhat perplexed expression, allowing her gaze to pass between the wondrous talisman and her newfound savior.

"Y-You said it would be...d-difficult...to get close enough to use this...then, h-how do I do it...?"

Jiraiya assumed a wide grin as he nodded in understanding.

"Oh! That part...yes, well, its very simple really..."

The Toad Hermit opened his mouth wide, inhaled a deep breath of clean, fresh air...then slumped forward in total resignation.

"I have no idea."

Hinata regarded the older man with a disbelieving stare. Jiraiya pouted as he began to twiddle his thumbs.

"Well, you see...I never thought anyone would actually come, so I began to think what it would be like to save the day myself...all the fame, all the glory..."

The older man took on a lecherous grin.

"All the women. Just the thought of those adoring ladies makes me think of the time I accidentally summoned a horny toad...heh, never ran so fast in all my life..."

Hinata blanched visibly, snapping the older man out of his bizarre recollections. He scratched his neck in an awkward fashion.

"Err, once I figured out I couldn't actually get out of this cage, well...who wants to plan a strategy when you can just mentally undress women all day?"

Jiraiya promptly held his head in shame as twin rivers of anime tears began to pour down red-lined cheeks.

"Now it looks like my life-long dream of being smothered by dozens of scantly clad Amazons will never come true!" (Sob)

Thankfully, the young woman had begun to adapt to the craziness that was currently her life and thus was able to dismiss that last volley of comments with a minimal amount of cranial bleeding.

(Still, nothing would ever come close to the time Gaara decided to take all the village children on a weekend camping trip. Turns out trying to cauterize a wound using nothing but sand infused with the essence of pure evil tends to result in blood-curdling screams slightly more often than actually saving the limb. At least the s'mores came out nice and tasty.)

"B-But, then...what do I do now...?"

Hinata could feel her hopes once again begin to waver. How could she stand up to a demon fox? And Naruto, did that mean she would have to fight him too? Fight her one true love?

No, it...it was all too much, too difficult...she couldn't do this, she hardly even qualified as a ninja! Every time she had tried anything in the past, had tried with all her might, it always ended in failure...

Why should this be any different?

The poor young girl buried her chin into the confines of her sweater, trying desperately to block out the distressing memories of how weak and useless she was. As the Hyuuga maiden began to succumb to yet another wave of self-loathing, an alluring aroma wafted delicately throughout the air. She blinked, wrinkling her nose in the process; that smell, it was so familiar, almost like...

Charred ramen.

As the Sannin continued to mourn his dwindling chances of jungle love, Hinata glanced down at the front of her outfit, noticing for the first time a mark of soot right atop her left breast...right atop her heart...

_Naruto's jacket! It was on fire, and...when he hugged me, I...I remember..._

The young woman thought back to that wonderful moment...those breathtaking words...

"_Thanks for always being so kind to me, Hinata. You're the best..."_

Her resolute promise...

_'Naruto-kun! No matter what, I'm going to find out what's happening to everyone and save you!'_

The petite girl slowly began to scrub her face dry. She could do this...

_'I'll show you how much I care, no matter how hard I have to try!'_

A delicate frown began to recede from her features, replaced by a warm smile the likes of which only one person on earth could coerce from its hiding place.

_'I promise to do everything in my power to end this madness once and for all!'_

Hinata once again glanced down to the blackened insignia. She hugged her jacket tightly against her chest.

_I...I promised him...I promised myself, and...if that means fighting Naruto-kun...fighting to save him from the Kyuubi, then..._

Jiraiya was still reminiscing about his lost opportunities when a calm, collected breath escaped into the room. He glanced upward through a tear-stained visage.

"I...I'll do it."

Hinata assumed a solemn look. The Toad Hermit sniffed a glob of snot back into his head.

"You...you'll find me some Amazons...?"

That was met with a distraught grimace. Jiraiya blinked away his remaining tears.

"Oh, right, the Kyuubi. Gotcha."

At this epic pronouncement, fierce white locks outlined a grand and wise smile.

"I knew you had it in ya! No matter what, don't give up! Follow your heart and let it guide you along the path set forth by your own determination! Embrace the strength you hold deep inside and forge a means to accomplish any goal!"

The Byakugan heiress was awestruck by such powerful sentiments. Her mentor continued on, seeming to gather momentum with every spoken word.

"Now go! Avenge those who have fallen before the demon's wrath and prove once and for all that the Village Hidden in the Leaves shall never bow before the feral likeness of one forged in hatred!"

The Toad Sage struck a near-mystical pose, staring off towards the eastern horizon in a symbolic decree of how light shall always overcome shadow, and that it is forever darkest right before the dawn.

No, wait, that was just Jiraiya staring down Tsunade's blouse from halfway across the room. After a few seconds, he gave his chin a curious scratch while casually wiping away a nosebleed.

"So _thats_ where my patio set went to..."

The Sannin nodded in wholehearted approval. Hinata took the opportunity to deliver a Gentle Fist uppercut to the underside of his cage.

"GAH! Thats a very sensitive area!"

He was met with a look of complete innocence.

"S-Sorry! My hand must've slipped..."

Regardless, it was at this time a mutual sense of separation loomed heavily in the air, instilling within both ninja a strong sense to say their final goodbyes.

"Hinata, I wish you the best of luck. Show that demon fox who's boss!"

"T-Thank you, and...I will. I'll do my very best..."

With one final bow, Hinata turned about and headed off towards the door. Jiraiya smiled at her fleeting form, pondering a question of his own.

_Hmm...the reason I'm not affected is because I know that boy's chakra better than even he does. But Hinata..._

The older man's brow scrunched up in thought before he drew forth a familiar bundle of papers. Jiraiya cast a grin upon the tiny packet of budding thoughts and emotions.

_I wonder...maybe she does stand a chance after all...who's to say what's truly going on in that empty head of his..._

A gigantic smile abruptly wiped away any further musings that might have crossed the Sannin's mind.

_This gives me a great idea for a new book! I can see it now...Icha Icha Foxy Love! It'll make millions!_

Quite content with his newest financial endeavor, the Sannin reclined as best he could and began to giggle mischievously while taking in the enchanting sights before him.

A few moments later, Hinata jogged back into the office and headed straight for the bookcase. The Toad Hermit quirked an eyebrow at the unexpected intrusion.

"Hinata? What are you doing back here? I thought you were going to-"

Without even so much as an acknowledging glance, the young woman delicately placed the previously removed volume back into its respective slot.

Which in turn sent Jiraiya's cage on a one way trip back into the rafters.

"What the-HEY! Wait, no! I was only gonna-...she doesn't even-..._at least give me a box of tissues!_"

CLICK

The Byakugan heiress brushed off her hands, a look of triumph shining brightly across her features.

_Thats for asking Naruto what my cup size was. Damned pervert._

And with that, Hyuuga Hinata ventured forth once more in search of a means to set things right again, save the boy she cherished above any other, and finally bring an end to one of the most bizarre series of events that had ever befallen her life.

That, and find a good place to read the book she managed to swipe from Tsunade's personal collection, 'The Effects of Elephantiasis upon the Male Reproductive System'.

_Oh, I sure hope there are pictures...better yet, maybe I can get Naruto-kun to pose for a future edition! Hee hee!_

* * *

Ha! So, what'd ya think? 

I know, not all that crazy this time around, but I felt the story needed a bit of plot development as well as structuring to even it out a bit. If you're reading this simply for the crazy antics, I apologize this time, but if you're here for the sake of enjoying a well-written story, then I hope you've been having a good time. :)

Of course, you do realize this pretty much means the entire next chapter will consist of complete idiocy as Hinata searches desperately for her one true love. Horray for insanity! And what's this? Itachi at the flower shop? Neji and Lee in another epic brawl? Orochimaru and kittens?

...Nurse Anko?

Just wait and see what I have in store for you...Bwahaha!


	6. Split Decisions

**D****ISCLAIMER** : Nope, still don't own it...

So yeah, my computer kicked the bucket a week ago.

The Bad News: I lost everything on my hard drive.

The Good News: This chapter-in-the-works was the only thing I considered worthy of being upset over. :P

Heh heh, so after a few hours of re-writing purely from memory, I present to you the sixth installment of the weirdest day in Hyuuga Hinata's life. This was one heck of a fun chapter to write (twice!) and I hope you all enjoy it as well. :)

Two points to anyone who catches the Johnny Quest pun! 8D

* * *

Hinata raced out of the Hokage's office with all due haste. Far to the west, a glistening ball of red-orange light inched its way ever closer to the horizon. 

_If I don't find Naruto-kun soon, everyone in the village will…_

The young woman shook her head vigorously, eager to dismiss the thought that she might inadvertently be responsible for the destruction of Konaha.

_I…I can't let myself think about that…Naruto and the others have to come first!_

An impish grin abruptly slid across the Hyuuga's delicate features.

_Besides, there's no way I'm going to lose before seeing Naruto-kun in a leather thong bondage set!_

With the image of shiny black latex and savage scratch marks firmly etched upon her mind, Hinata once again sped off to the next Naruto hot spot. As luck would have it, she passed by a small roadside boutique overflowing with tiger lilies and morning glories.

_Inside the Yamanaka Flower Shop! _

Itachi gave the small service bell a quick double tap.

_Ding ding!_

From somewhere in the back, a golden ponytail darted to and fro between towering pillars of bird baths and lawn gnomes (Ninja lawn gnomes, to be exact).

"Just a minute! Please feel free to look around while you wait!"

Quite content with such a courteous display of customer appreciation, Itachi scarcely had the time to compare contrasts between his purple fingernails and a nearby orchid before Ino popped out from behind a corner. A large bag of fertilizer was held precariously in both arms, obscuring everything but her peripheral vision. The young woman placed the sack off to the side and turned towards her newfound customer.

"I'm sorry for the wait, sir. Now, how can I-"

The young woman's eyes abruptly grew to the size of hubcaps. An inconspicuous line of drool slowly began to make its way down her chin.

Itachi assumed his best smile, eager to reestablish positive relations with such an upstanding little ninja community. Might as well start with the crazy ones and work up from there!

"Umm, hello, yes. I'd like to order a-"

"ZOMG! S4suk3-kun, iz th4t u? Y0ur c104k m4k3s u l00k s0 h4wts0m3! 1t t074lly r0x my s0x!"

For some inexplicable reason, Itachi suddenly felt the all-encompassing need to bludgeon himself into a coma using an unabridged version of The Merriam Webster's Dictionary. The fact that he somehow understood 1337 while spoken aloud only added to the grammatical nightmare.

After a few seconds, the Akatsuki member regained his senses just long enough to decipher her syntactical butchery and formulate an appropriate response.

"Oh, no, my dear. You seem to have me confused with my precious little brother! My name is Uchiha Itachi, and I was wondering if-"

"LOL! I c4n _s0_ t3ll its u, S4suk3-kun!"

She cast him a seductive wink.

"B3ing a11 c0y wi7h m3 1ik3 th4t…u n4ugh7y b0y!"

A stark chill traveled down the full length of Itachi's poofy little cloud-covered spine. Such a terrible manner of speech…what would ever possess such a person to-

The missing-nin paled visibly as he cast a red-eyed stare upon the figure before him.

_That's it! This child must be in the thralls of a demon!_

Itachi took on a stance of heavenly reproach and righteous indignation.

_It is my sworn duty as an upstanding citizen to alleviate such a menace from the coil of one so pure! _

He cast a solemn finger at the blond kunoichi.

"Do not fear, child, for Uchiha Itachi shall release you from the grip of one so foul!"

Ino's left eyebrow twitched violently, her lecherous grin spiraling downward into abject confusion.

"WTF?"

But it was too late. The missing-nin began to mold chakra faster than Jiraiya could yell "Panty raid!" at an all girl's college dormitory.

"Mangekyou Sharingan! Tsukiyomi no jutsu!"

Without warning, Ino suddenly found herself in a very, very dark room. She was secured to a straight-back chair by a pair of silken wrist ties. A crimson moon hovered ominously overhead, casting its dark light across the starless midnight sky.

Ino just about had a nosebleed.

"Oh, _S4suk3-kun_! I d1dn't kn0w u lik3d 1t lik3 _7hat_! Ya kn0w, 1 h4ve a fevv ex7ra p4irs 0f h4ndcuffs b4ck 1n my r00m…"

Her perverted train off thought immediately derailed when a figure dressed in black glided up to her stationary form. Two blood red eyes peered down from above, offset by a stark white book held firmly in one hand.

"Now is the time to be vanquished foul minion of darkness! I shall put an end to your underhanded schemes and send you back from whence you came!"

The young woman regarded him strangely. Sasuke sure did have an odd way of setting the mood...ah well, whatever kind of bizarre foreplay this was, it was damn well going to be worth it!

Itachi cracked open the tome, finding his place in an instant. With a final glance towards the heavens, he began to read:

"And thus Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large-"

_The equivalent of 72 hours later._

Ino pitched forward, just barely catching herself on the cash register. A vacant expression dominated her features as she listed heavily to the side.

"Hello-and-welcome-to-the-Yamanaka-Flower-Shop…how-may-I-be-of-assistance…"

The Akatsuki member nodded in approval before snatching up an order form.

_Hmm, let's see here…fruit baskets. Mom always said to send them avocados when in doubt. Well, before I murdered her in a genocidal rampage lacking even the most basic aspects of humanity. Still, mother knows best!_

With a quick flourish of his pen, Itachi once again placed the pamphlet before the near comatose kunoichi. The missing-nin began to whistle a happy tune as he turned about and headed for the exit. As the screen door slammed shut behind him, a small vase tipped to the side, spilling its contents across the counter and hopelessly blurring several prominent strokes of still-wet ink…

_Back to Hinata! _

Another quick glance around the small abode revealed neither spiky blond hair nor a distinctive orange jumpsuit.

_This…this isn't good…I can't find Naruto-kun anywhere!_

Truth be told, the young woman's search had so far taken her exclusively to his apartment in the hopes of catching him off guard. Heck, she had even burst in through the shower window, camcorder in hand, just on the off chance of catching some prime waterlogged footage of Naruto junior.

Too bad he wasn't there. It would've made a great screen saver.

Alas, with her foxy little man missing in action, the young woman had no reason to stay on the premises and thus headed off once more in pursuit of her one true love.

After she managed to swipe a little going away present, that is.

Hinata pressed a pair of freshly laundered chibi fox boxer shorts close to her cheek, squealing in delight.

_Oh, Naruto-kun! These are just the cutest things ever! I wonder if they come with matching squeaky slippers… _(Dude! Another reference to one of my stories! Freakin' awesome!)

Regardless, the Byakugan heiress quickly ran through all the possible locations Naruto might be and was off in an instant. It was only a matter of chance that she happened to pass by the apartment of a certain raven-haired someone.

_Inside_ _Sasuke's kickin' bachelor pad!_

The young man took another bite of his tomato while taking the time to water a small piece of pottery set upon the windowsill. (U-ch-ch-chiha!)

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. Shambling over, Sasuke undid the latch and peered outside.

"Special delivery from the Yamanaka Flower Shop. Please sign here."

The young man quirked an eyebrow before affixing his surname and accepting the package. He kicked the door shut with the back of his heel.

_Ino, I swear, if you sent me another one of those damned Uchiha pets…_

The katon-user lazily pulled out a kunai and cut through the packing tape.

Only to have a rat with wings leap out and attach to his face.

"GAH!"

The small rodent emitted a piercing squeak before jumping off and flying into the kitchen. Sasuke was ever-so-slightly surprised.

"_What the holy hell was that!?_"

He immediately grabbed for the packing slip.

_To: Uchiha Sasuke_

_Order: One Fruit Ba---t_

_From: Uchiha Itachi_

The young man assumed a homicidal glare.

_That clan-murdering bastard! When I'm done with him, he'll wish he was never even written into this manga! I'll-_

...wait a minute. Fruit bat?

A look of unbridled horror abruptly engulfed his already dour features.

_"My tomatoes!"_

Sasuke raced off into the kitchen, already forming a means of revenge while desperately searching for a can of Bat-B-Gone.

_Somewhere near the middle of Konaha!_

Hinata landed in a small alleyway, eager to end this entire fiasco and finally provide some closure to such an unfortunate series of events. Without hesitation, she raced out of the side street and towards her newest objective.

The Byakugan heiress hardly took three steps forward before noticing Rock Lee and her cousin squaring off in an adjacent lot. It was made all the worse when she realized what they were wearing.

Neji had his hair spiked straight up with a Turtle Hermit insignia embroidered on his back while Lee sported a gigantic yellow skullcap complete with tiny angular sunglasses.

"This is it, Lee Lee-Lee! When I go Super Hyuuga, you're going down!"

"I do not think so, Neji-ku, for I have long ago mastered 'Fist of the Eyebrow' and thus cannot be defeated by one such as yourself! I shall win the heart of my pink-haired Beauty and thus be proclaimed the victor!"

Neji cast his teammate a vicious glare.

"Bring it on you jolly green freak! I'll Spirit Bomb you into the next century!"

Lee took on a look of utmost confidence.

"Perhaps you shall fair better against me than in other earthly pursuits. Tenten mentioned her extreme displeasure with your 'instant transmission' the last time you two were alone…"

The Hyuuga's features took on the most exquisite shade of purple. Hinata giggled softly on the sidelines.

_"Doctor Phil said that's nothing to be ashamed of! There's absolutely no connection between that and my weak bladder or the fact I had to wear diapers until I was twelve years old!"_

At this, Neji clasped a hand over his mouth, all the youth drained right out of Lee's face and Hinata came up with a great idea involving Depends, a baby bonnet and her trusty camcorder.

The pale-eyed boy assumed a look of unparalleled wrath.

_"I HATE YOU ALL!"_

Without further adieu, Neji promptly gathered his chakra into a seething ball of rage mixed with just a hint of incontinence.

"Kaio-ken attack times ten! _Kamehameha!_"

Not to be outdone, Lee immediately assumed a youthful fighting stance.

"Super Fist of the Eyebrow Secret Technique: _Supreme Iron Eyebrow Defense!_"

And thus began the greatest battle to ever occur anywhere in the history of everything.

_Ever_.

Or at least that's what it would have been like if anything actually happened. Turns out shrieking like a retarded banshee doesn't grant the user potentially planet-destroying super moves after all. (Stupid underlying principles of nature...)

Thus, Neji's half-baked hadoken met with Lee's follicle fallacy amidst a cacophony of grunts and bellows as each figure tried to reach their ultimate non-existent power level.

Hinata cast the two boys a distraught grimace.

_This is pointless! Nothings even happening! Although I wouldn't mind making a wish on Naruto's Dragonballs right about now…or at least getting a hold of his Power Pole…_

After two full minutes of unabashed screaming, Hinata finally worked up the nerve to raise a delicate finger high above her head.

"Umm…e-excuse me, but-"

Before she could continue, both young men broke off their 'attack' and eyed one another warily.

"That does it, Lee! We're finishing this right now!"

"Yes, Neji-san. Let us bring an end to our battle post haste!"

With one final cry, both combatants rushed forward.

Lee opened the First Gate. Neji activated his Byakugan. Hinata could scarcely watch.

"_Haa!_"

"_Kyaa!_"

The two genin each threw a fist forward in one epic culmination of such a groundbreaking battle royal.

"Rock, Paper, Scissors _shoot_!"

Lee delivered a devastating blow to his opponent.

"Rock!"

Neji countered in the most brutal fashion.

"_Paper!_"

The green-clad boy took on a mortified expression before sinking to the ground.

"_NOOOO!!_ Gai-sensei, I have failed! Forgive me!"

The branch house member turned to regard his fallen comrade, in effect exposing his back to the Hyuuga maiden some distance behind him.

"It's over, Lee. Your defeat was predetermined before this fight even began. It is impossible to change the tenets of Fate. Each of us has a-"

He was interrupted by a flurry of footsteps right behind him.

"B-B-_Blindspot_!"

Hinata delivered a brain-busting rabbit punch to the back of Neji's skull, sending him hurtling head over heels into a conveniently located brick wall. She began to massage her throbbing knuckles.

_Serves you right for nearly killing me at the Chuunin Exams. Jerk…_

After a few seconds, the Hyuuga boy rose to his feet while using the structure before him for support. A streak of green was by his side in an instant, propping up his broken form.

"Neji-san! Are you alright?"

The pale-eyed youth cast his teammate a death glare.

"Dammit Lee, I'm gonna murder you-_right in the face!_"

This was met with a wide-eyed look of shock.

"But Neji-san, I did not-"

"_I'll kill you 'till you die from it!_"

The Taijutsu master let out a startled "Meep!" as he ducked a shuriken thrown at his head. Both young men raced off into the distance amidst a chorus of vulgar death threats and youthful pleas for mercy. Hinata was left all by her lonesome.

She did have a pretty good laugh at her cousins retreating form, though.

_I wonder how long it'll take him to notice the 'I'm a little bed-wetting pansy who likes to beat up girls' sign I stapled to his back…_

Figuring that question was best left for another chapter, Hinata once again scurried off in search of Naruto.

_Right in the middle of Konaha's lush botanical gardens! _

Itachi was taking a quiet stroll through a coven of trees while thinking back over his recent exploits.

"Oh, Sasuke! I only wish for you to have the best of what life has to offer! Still, I must somehow find a way to win your affections…"

The missing-nin sighed deeply and began to meditate upon his goal. A familiar voice made itself known right to the left of a potted geranium.

"_Feeeed_ me, Seymour!"

Itachi cast the over-sized plant a mild look of disbelief.

"…Zetsu?"

Two spikey leaves fell to the side revealing a familiar monochromatic visage.

"…Itachi? _Itachi, is that you?_"

The red-eyed ninja took on a face-splitting grin.

"Hey, long time no see! Have you guys disposed of any Body Clone sacrifices lately? I remember you saying mine tasted like prime rib."

A black and white pair of lips pulled back in a smile. Such fond memories…

"Nah, our leader, who's name we almost certainly know yet never seem to use in casual conversation, hasn't required our services for a while now. _We just got out of rehab last week._"

Itachi shook his head side to side, clearly disappointed.

"Oh, Zetsu…was it the Miracle Grow again?"

A pair of leafy greens wilted slightly.

"Mmm hmm…_It was totally worth it; those nurses are hot._ Hey, so, we're all real sorry to hear about Kisame. _He made one helluva seafood platter, not to mention the shark tooth necklaces._"

Itachi took on a sad smile.

"Yeah…I just heard about it a while ago. Turns out there's a half-off special on sushi for the next three months! So, how's everyone else taking it?"

"Hmm? Oh, well, you know. _He's being remembered in the best way possible._"

_Meanwhile, at the super secret Akatsuki hideout._

Hidan regarded Kakuzu menacingly across a small table laced with poker chips.

"…Got any fours?"

The elemental-nin glanced downward before leaning back in his chair.

"No. Go fish."

Hidan slammed a fist into his meager pile of winnings.

"Fuck! You're so full of shit!"

Kakuzu leaned forward, allowing an abundance of black tendrils to erupt from his mouth and gather up all the remaining cash.

"Looks like I win again."

The scythe-wielding ninja cast a firm glower at his partner.

"You're a real creepy bastard, you know that? I bet you wouldn't be so damn high and mighty if we were out on a mission..."

The green-eyed missing-nin quirked an eyebrow.

"Funny, I seem to recall holding my own against a squad of Chuunin and two Jounin."

He cast his teammate a reproachful glare.

"You, on the other hand, got taken out by an egghead and his herd of _deer_."

The blond Akatsuki member gritted his teeth.

"Well shit, at least I wasn't killed by a chakra _pinwheel_."

Kakuzu casually added up his winnings. A handful of twisting tentacles began to arrange the chips in several neat piles.

"That's pretty big talk for someone who's ultimate jutsu makes them look like Skeletor. Hey Hidan, guess who 'has the power'? _Not you_."

Hidan shot to his feet while snatching up his weapon of choice.

"That fucking does it! By the will of Jashin, I'm gonna tear out those goddamn threads and slap the _bitch_ out of you!"

Kakuzu was up in an instant, knocking over the table and spilling chips everywhere.

"Bring it on god-boy! I was killing ninja before your great-grandma even knew what a tampon was!"

Without further adieu, the entire Akatsuki base erupted into a clamor of booms, crashes, squeaky hammer noises and a plethora of equally amusing sound effects far too silly for a serious fanfic such as this.

Luckily, one lone ninja was currently outside, taking care of the exterior decor.

Tobi adjusted his floral pattern sun dress while valiantly trying to wipe the sweat from his mask-covered brow. He took a moment to regard the masterpiece garden set before him.

"It's so pretty! Maybe Tobi can grow a girlfriend for Zetsu-sensei! Hee hee, then they could make cabbage patch babies!"

A perpetually ambiguous expression washed across the young man's non-existent features.

"Tobi is such a good boy!"

Alas, any further musings upon the act of pollination fornication were immediately cast to the side as a young woman in a business suit suddenly appeared heading up the front walkway.

"Hello, I'm from _Better Homes and Gardens Than Your's_ magazine. Is the woman of the house home?"

An enthusiastic grin nearly radiated right through Tobi's orange swirly mask.

"Tobi's right here! How can Tobi help you?"

That was met with an apprehensive look.

"Umm…are you talking about yourself in the third person?"

The missing-nin nodded somberly.

"Tobi enjoys hearing his name spoken aloud. It reassures him that he is both loved and cared for by others."

The young woman's eyebrow twitched slightly.

"That's…uhh, that's just lovely. Anyway, I was sent to tell you that your lair has been chosen to appear on the cover of next month's magazine. Congratulations!"

Tobi pumped an enthusiastic fist high into the air.

"All of Tobi's hard work has finally paid off! Tobi is _such_ a good boy! Tobi must go tell Sasori-sama and Deidara-sempai right away!"

And with that, the masked-nin raced off in search of his bestest of best friends.

Too bad his complete lack of depth perception led him face-first into a gazebo. The young Akatsuki member ricocheted off a lacquered post beam and dropped to the ground, all the while mourning his inability to locate the two shinobi so far removed from his person.

No, wait, turns out they were just around the corner using the scenery as a backdrop. Go figure.

Sasori was decked out in a Pinocchio outfit and donkey ears while holding a stuffed whale plushie. Deidara was furiously snapping away pictures with his eye camera.

"C'mon, work it Sasori-san! Orochimaru is gonna pay top dollar for these, un!"

The puppet-nin cast his teammate a distraught glower.

"You know I'm like, thirty, right? I only look like a kid because of the puppet conversion jutsu."

Deidara offered the Red Sand ninja a sage-like nod.

"Whatever Pedophile-maru doesn't know won't hurt him, un! Now, watch the birdie!"

That was met with a startled look.

"Who in the what now?"

Sure enough, a tiny clay pigeon was hovering just above his mahogany head.

Sasori barely had the time to wonder if Geppetto was available for repairs this late in the evening.

"Ah, shi-"

Ka-_PWNED! _

_One street over from the Ichiraku Ramen shop!_

A cream-colored sweater dropped out of the sky, depositing one Hyuuga heiress right at the scene of her newest objective. It just happened to be the case that she landed before a wizened old woman, giving said geezer a massive heart attack. (Third time's a charm!)

The young woman raced down the street and turned a corner, hoping against hope that her latest endeavor would finally yield some results.

Unfortunately, it seemed Naruto's favorite pastime had undergone some major remodeling since she had seen it last.

Anko sat at a small table before the refurbished store front, a stark white uniform stretched tightly across her buxom person. The three-point nurse's cap did look rather kawaii, though.

Ebisu was just finishing up some paperwork.

"Here you are, ma'am. Am I going to be alright?"

Anko took the small packet and compared it to her medical notes. After a few seconds, she gave an enthusiastic nod.

"According to my data, you've scored a ninety three on the insane-o-meter! That means you've won our prize of the day!"

The guardian-nin adjusted his glasses hastily.

"I-I did? Oh, wow! I never win anything! What do I get?"

The rehabilitated snake-nin whipped out a small item decorated with a bow.

"This hypodermic needle filled with 400 cc's of horse tranquilizer!"

"_Fantastic!_ I've always wanted a...wait, wha-"

_INJECTION!_

Ebisu lurched sideways, allowing his head to tilt backwards as far as it would go.

"Hee hee, I can see four-sided triangles! Ooohhh...and they taste like _salmon_..."

Unable to properly maintain his equilibrium, the Jounin inadvertently bumped into a voluptuous young woman.

Which actually turned out to be Gaara's sand gourd. It seemed his day at the beach had finally come to a peaceful end.

Well, except for the enormous death toll incurred when he tried giving everyone a hug by using the very beach itself. Eh, live and learn.

The sand-nin assumed a look of unrivaled contempt brought to life by a black-lined scowl.

"Touch me again...and I'll kill you."

His heavily medicated victim made the monumental mistake of patting him affectionately on the head. Anko grinned mischievously in anticipation of the bloodbath that was sure to follow.

(Still, nothing would ever quite compare to the time Ebisu made the unfortunate mistake of confusing Gaara's sand gourd for a-...oh, wait. Uh oh.)

Gaara took a single step forward. Several mineralized clones rose up from the earth in a threatening semicircle about the two figures. The young man narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"I can sense your weakness...now I'll make you _pay_."

The red-haired boy along with his replicas formed a very familiar hand seal. Ebisu's left eyebrow twitched in drunken surprise.

"_Harem no jutsu: Uzumaki style!_"

Off to the side, Hinata's pupils shrank to little purple pin-pricks.

The Jounin was immediately swallowed beneath a wave of crimson pig-tails, sandy cleavage and a tantalizing sense of deja-vu that could only lead to one inevitable conclusion.

With a cry of euphoric joy, the guardian-nin flew straight up into the air courtesy of a nosebleed rocket. The sand sibling poofed back to normal just in time to watch Ebisu face-plant into the concrete.

Gaara regarded the fallen ninja with a chibi grin before assuming the Nice Guy pose.

"Looks like my work here is done! Score one for Suna!"

And with that, the red-haired young man went skipping off merrily into the distance.

Hinata began to smash her head against a lamppost in order to rid herself of such ghastly mental images.

_Sweet mother of pain incarnate! **It burns!**_

The fact that he somehow managed to change back wearing nothing but his devilish smile only added to the internal hemorrhaging.

Anko casually walked over and booted the closet pervert off to the side. She gathered up her notes before once again assuming a frighteningly pleasant grin.

"Next please!"

The pale-eyed girl ran off faster than Orochimaru could say "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe" at a Boy Scouts of Konaha convention. Heck, speaking of Orochimaru...

_Inside one of his secret underground bases!_

Kabuto was making his way down the candle-lit hallway when a familiar voice echoed from the kitchen.

"Honey bun! Would you come here for a second? I have a surprise for you!"

The young man gave a cold shudder.

_At least he's not standing on a chair shrieking like the last time. It took me almost an hour to catch that damn mongoose..._

With a heartfelt sigh, the young med-nin shambled off to answer his summons. He couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow when the distinct mewing of kittens sounded faintly from the room before him. Kabuto cautiously entered the dining area.

A 'Kiss the Cobra' apron was all he noticed before Orochimaru turned on the microwave.

"There you are! I was thinking about what you said back at the restaurant and wanted to show you how far I've come in being more evil!"

The former Konaha shinobi assumed a blank look. What the hell was he-

Kabuto's features immediately plummeted into absolute dread.

'...dammit_ Orochimaru-sama, we've been over this. If you want to be evil, you have to think big! Set fire to the burn ward in a hospital, toss a few kittens in the microwave, soak someone's contact lenses in bear mace or...'_

Suffice it to say, his jaw bottomed out faster than Tsunade's bank account at an all-you-can-drink poker tournament.

"Sweet monkey Jebediah-_tell me you didn't!!!"_

The snake-nin cast him a surprised look.

"You already figured it out? Oh, Kabuto, I'm so proud of you! Well, you'll be happy to know that I decided to take care of that stray tabby you like so much too!"

The young man's features turned an ashen gray.

"M-M-Mister Whiskers...?"

Orochimaru nodded in whole-hearted delight.

The microwave beeped in mourning.

Kabuto clamped a hand over his mouth before running out the doorway.

Quite perplexed, the Sannin shrugged his shoulders and pulled out the box of kittens and one tabby he had placed around the corner. A microwaved plate of 'Tuna tonight, kitty's delight!' cat food soon found itself placed on the floor beside them.

"Ok everyone, dinner is served!"

The snake-nin crossed his arms in smug satisfaction.

_Heh heh, maybe that'll teach the supermarket to check their receipts a bit more often...I still can't believe they didn't realize I used the same coupon for every can! HA!_

Orochimaru snickered to himself while absently allowing an adorable slew of kittens to wrestle with his giant purple ribbon.

"I am _so evil_!"

_Back to the chase!_

Hinata raced onto the site of her third and final guess at Naruto's location. The entirety of Team Seven's practice field loomed before her, offset by the tranquil splendor of a delicate breeze wafting silently through ankle-deep grass. A cold chill crept along her heart as it became apparent she was the only one there.

The young girl sunk to the ground, valiantly trying to hold back a deluge of tears.

_Naruto-kun isn't here either! I...I don't know where else to look, and...because of me, everyone's going to...it's all my fault..._

She clenched both fists tightly against her knees, doing her best to stave off a torrent of sniffles. Several agonizing seconds passed, burdening the young woman with all her past failings and constant under-achievements. In the darkness of her own grief, three beacons of light began to shine through the anguish.

_"The fate of the entire village rests upon your shoulders, Hinata-san. May Kami be with you." _

_S-Shino-kun...but..._

_"Hinata, I wish you the best of luck. Show that demon fox who's boss!" _

_P-Pervy Sage...you..._

_'I think thats why I like lavender so much. It reminds me of how pretty she is.'_

_N-Naruto-kun..._

The young girl hastily wiped a sleeve across her eyes.

_I can't let you down...you all believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself..._

The Byakugan heiress blinked away her remaining tears, instead assuming a look of chaste devotion and heartfelt dedication.

_Shino-kun, Jiraiya-sama, Naruto-kun...I...I just..._

A precious smile began to glow faintly upon her delicate features.

_Thank you._

With a new sense of conviction firmly set in place, Hinata bounced back to her feet, hoping against hope that she might spot some tell-tale clue as to Naruto's current whereabouts. She began to walk briskly, cupping both hands to her lips.

"Naruto-kun! Naruto-kun, can you hear me? Where are y-"

The Hyuuga maiden barely had time to offer a yelp of surprise before stumbling over something hidden in the grass. On closer inspection, it was revealed that she had stubbed her toe on a large metal disc. An open manhole lay several feet to the right.

She quirked an eyebrow.

_That's odd...I thought the sewers were sealed indefinitely after communications broke down with the TMNT clan. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to outlaw pizza in favor of turtle soup after all..._

Regardless, any further musings on such political inquiries were quickly forgotten when she noticed a distinctive melody surfacing through the open portal. The main theme from_ 'Phantom of the Opera'_ began to echo faintly amidst the surrounding area.

Hinata was momentarily surprised before deciding it best to investigate the source of such an odd occurrence. Within seconds, the young woman had proceeded down the entryway and stepped out upon a slimy concrete floor. She gave her shoulders a vigorous rub as the haunting tune seemed to envelop the entire tunnel around her.

_Wow...good acoustics..._

Making her way silently along the dank and dismal corridor, Hinata formed several hand seals when it became apparent the meager light from above would no longer suffice.

"_Byakugan!_"

She immediately became aware of a gaunt figure sitting at an organ some distance before her.

As she made her way closer, Ibiki shot up from his seat and spun about. Though the ivory mask was kind of cool, the fact that he no longer wore a concealing headband made for a rather repulsive sight.

The young woman froze in place, trying to build up the resolve to continue on while releasing her Kekkai Genkai.

"Ah, pardon me, I-"

The interrogation-nin hastily drew a cloak about the right side of his face.

"Don't come any closer! A child such as yourself should not be burdened with the sight of a monster."

Taken aback, Hinata tried to pry her eyes away from the terrible burns and scars set upon his completely exposed scalp.

"Umm, I'm sorry, but...your face isn't really that frightening."

She glanced off to the side, somewhat worried she might lose her frog leg lunch from earlier in the day.

"Y-You might want to make a mask for your head, though..."

This was met with a questioning look as Ibiki allowed the cape to drop to his shoulders.

"My head? Why would I need to-"

The Jounin glanced at a mirror set upon the sewer wall. He took on an immensely annoyed expression.

"Oh for- _why don't people ever tell me these things!_"

As the male shinobi began to fasten his cloak into a makeshift cowl, Hinata noticed a small glint of metal hidden beneath an organ leg. The young woman gasped in surprise as she pulled out a familiar looking Leaf headband. A life-time pass to Ichiraku Ramen sewn into the cloth verified its origins.

"Naruto-kun!" Ibiki regarded her passively as he pulled off the faceplate and adjusted his newfound turban.

"Nah, you might as well just just call me Hadji now."

That was meant with a distraught grimace.

"W-What? No! I meant Naruto-kun's headband! Have you seen him?"

The older man gave his chin a casual scratch.

"Eh? Oh, yeah...there was a blond-haired kid that ran through here earlier. Kept clawing at his stomach for some reason. He ran off that way before I could even-...hey!"

Without further adieu, Hinata began to race along the dismal underground passageway. A broad smile harboring all the elements of renewed hope radiated across her porcelain features as she stuffed the headband into a pocket.

_Naruto-kun, I'm coming! Please hold on!_

The young woman reactivated her Byakugan while absently keeping a curious eye on the water beside her.

Or more specifically, what was _in_ the water beside her.

_Huh...I wonder why someone would flush so many candy bars down the toilet..._

Regardless, the Hyuuga maiden promptly dashed away in search of her orange-tinted goal.

_More Uchiha sharingans!...err, I mean shenanigans! _

Itachi was just passing through the main thoroughfare of Konaha when a massive condor swooped down and deposited a large crate at his feet. To say the least, he was slightly taken aback.

"My goodness, I am slightly taken aback! I wonder what in the world this could be..."

The Akatsuki member gave the box a solid nudge. A subdued growl could be heard from within.

Curious, he examined the handmade packing slip.

_To: Uchiha Itachi_

_Order: One R. I. P._

_From: Uchiha Sasuke_

Itachi's eyes abruptly inflated to the size of dinner plates.

"My precious little brother has sent me a package of love! Surely this is a sign that we will once again form the quintessential bonds that will forever bind us as family!"

He had just begun to admire the exquisite handwriting when a **R**abid **I**ll-tempered **P**latypus _burst forth_ from the confines of its pine wood prison.

The missing-nin immediately assumed an expression of childlike wonder and awe.

"A _puppy_! Oh, Sasuke, you shouldn't have!"

Itachi scooped up the small creature and nuzzled it lovingly. The pseudo-mammal latched onto his jugular, foaming at the bill.

Two crimson eyes twinkled in absolute delight.

"Awww...it's trying to _suckle_!"

Itachi giggled in a horrifying display of girlish glee.

"Sorry little guy, but you're a bit too high up for that. Here, let me just undue the first few buttons on my cloak and-"

_**CENSORED!**_

_OMG, quick! Scene-change no jutsu!_

Inside the academy, two young students waited patiently in class, curious as to what could be taking their sensei so long.

Haku passed the time by conjuring some Crystal Ice Mirrors in order to figure out if he was really a boy or a girl. Konahamaru took the opportunity to adjust his scarf so as to better match the lightning bolt tattoo he had scribbled across his forehead.

After several long minutes, Zabuza strolled into the classroom wearing a tweed blazer with matching leather elbow pads. He had his signature weapon draped across a shoulder, offering a level of intimidation usually reserved for graduate level thesis papers and the act of programming a VCR.

"Alright class, let's get started."

The missing-nin snatched a sheet of paper off his desk.

Both young boys quirked an eyebrow.

"A horse has two legs in the back and forelegs in the front. Thus, a horse has six legs total. Since six is an even number, a horse must have an even number of legs. However, since six is an odd number of legs for a horse to have, a horse also possesses an odd number of legs. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity, therefore we can conclude that a horse, of course, has an infinite number of legs."

He crumpled the paper and tossed it aside.

"Any questions?"

After a few moments, Konahamaru tentatively began to raise his hand.

Only to find his desk cleaved neatly in half by a gigantic full-blade. From his new vantage point, the young boy could plainly see 'Property of Cloud Strife' prominently stamped upon the hilt.

Konahamaru blanched visibly. Haku wet himself just a little. Zabuza took on a grand ol' smile.

"Any other questions?"

_Right beneath another manhole cover!_

Hinata slid the heavy item off to the side, once again exposing herself to red-orange hues as the sun balanced precariously atop the horizon. She leapt up through the newly formed portal and glanced about. An enormous wooden gate stretched towards the clouds behind her.

_This...this is on the outskirts of the village...was the Kyuubi trying to escape...?_

Tall trees and dense foliage loomed ahead, hopelessly obscuring her vision in the low-light environment. She hastily searched the area as tendrils of shadow began to proclaim their dominance. Without warning, a single image stood out from her grim surroundings.

Some distance down the path, several shafts of sunlight illuminated the crumpled form of a spikey-haired boy. The young shinobi had apparently collapsed before making it any further.

"_Naruto-kun!_"

At the sound of her voice, Naruto wearily draped an arm across the back of his head. A knapsack lay off to the side, stuffed full with Cup Ramen. Hinata shot off down the trail as fast as she could go, all the while suffering through the aches and pains of the true reason for his abrupt departure.

_It wasn't the Kyuubi at all...Naruto was trying to protect the village by running away...after all this time, he still must feel so alone..._

The young woman brushed away a few stray tears before skidding to a halt and kneeling beside him. He had managed to get up on his elbows, desperately trying to shield his features from her. Hinata took no notice as she began to pamper and fuss over his injured form.

"Naruto-kun! Please don't try to move! Jiraiya-sama told me everything! The Kyuubi can be stopped if we just-"

She was interrupted by a firm hand gripping her wrist. A hurt expression crossed her features as he tried to push her aside.

"Hinata-chan...get away from me..."

Before he could continue, the young man's supporting arm began to wobble, and he dropped back to the earth, exhausted. The Byakugan heiress suppressed a surge of heartache at his scathing words.

_Naruto-kun, I...I just wanted to help. All I've ever dreamed of was for you to notice me...why is it so hard to tell you that...?_

As a stream of tears began to trickle down her cheeks, Naruto dredged his face out of the dirt and regarded her with a single half-closed eye.

"Hinata-chan, please...get out of here...I don't want you to get hurt..."

The young woman blinked in surprise. Is that what he had been trying to say? She was the only person around that could help him, and he would give that up so she could be safe? Even now, with his life potentially in danger, he still thought about her well-being before his own...

An embedded sense of warmth began to gather in the kunoichi's chest, washing away all her previous worries, doubts and regrets.

"Naruto-kun, I...I'm not going anywhere...I won't leave you, ever again..."

Unscrewing a jar of ointment, Hinata took a firm hold of his shoulder and pulled with all her might. He stiffened somewhat before rolling onto his back, looking up at her pitifully. She barely managed to stifle a shriek.

Blood red chakra swirled and pulsed along half his body. A perfect split down the middle revealed a demonic reflection cast against his childlike innocence. The feral likeness of a fox reflected sinisterly from the confines of a vulpine pupil.

His clawed, chakra-imbued hand reached out to her. She had to stop herself from pulling back in fright.

"Hinata..."

A single shimmering orb of cerulean blue bored a hole straight through her heart.

"_Run_."

* * *

And thats Chapter Six for ya! 

Hmm, seems like my natural affinity for writing longer and longer chapters has once again taken over. To be honest, I can't tell if this is the funniest, stupidest or silliest thing I've ever written. Might as well play it safe and consider it all three. :)

I also want to take the time to mention that even though a lot of my scenes are obvious parodies of famous shows/movies/whatever, I want to specifically mention that the Uchiha Pet (damn, I love that one) and Zabuza's little math lesson are not my original ideas. I saw a picture of Sasuke's face plastered over a Chia Pet at YouTube and knew immediately I had to use it. As for the horse thing, I got it from a friend at school.

So that's my improvised disclaimer, straight from the horse's mouth. (...wait, _dammit_)

Anyway, I'd be overjoyed to hear what you all think so far. Would you believe I actually had to cut out certain parts just to make it shorter? Somehow, I still have a few tricks left up my sleeve for next chapter. Oh, and don't forget about the main event.

Kyuubi Naruto versus Hyuuga Hinata. (I'm grinning already just thinking about how to write the fight scenes...)

Ok, see you all later.


	7. Angst no jutsu

_**DISCLAIMER**_: I can barely even spell 'Kishimoto'. You think I could come up with something this awesome? Hardly...

Ha! Its actually been updated! And what an update it is...this is the single longest chapter I have ever written for any story I have here on Fanfiction! Pretty cool, huh? So go grab a tasty beverage and get comfortable, 'cause this is a long read...

Hope you find it amusing! Oh, and I'd recommend glancing over the last part of the previous chapter if you have an extra minute. This chapter jumps right in from where the last one left off, so unless you're reading this whole fic straight through, I'd suggest you go and re-read a little bit. :)

Alright, alright, I'm done talking. Have a good read!

* * *

From her newly acquired vantage point, all time ceased to flow as the young Byakugan heiress gazed down upon her beloved. A shallow rasp passed by her lips as she soaked in the image of Naruto partially engulfed by a demon's unrelenting fury. 

The young man immediately took notice of her horror-stricken countenance and stayed his hand, drawing it back with a look of anguish.

Of course she was afraid. He was a monster after all, deserving nothing more than to be hated and feared; something that should never have been, something that didn't deserve to have such beautiful amethyst eyes travel the full length of his crimson-ravaged frame.

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut, both ashamed and embarrassed that someone should see the terrible truth of an abomination made flesh.

"Hinata-chan, please...run. I'll fight it off as long as I can, just...get out of here!"

With those final words firmly addressed to a darkness so far reaching, the male shinobi began to push himself away from the peaceful presence at his side.

Hinata could feel her heart swell with grief, fully aware that he must feel all alone, devoid of anyone whom he could share his pains and sufferings with.

The weight of a sorrow-laden soul drew her small form forward, intent on not letting him travel an inch further from the love she held so dearly.

_I...just this once, when it matters the most...can't I...can't I just ...if only this once..._

The young woman took a deep breath and swallowed hesitantly, fearful of the words that might soon come to pass.

A delicate hand reached out and came to rest upon his shoulder, pulling him to a gentle stop. Naruto turned back to face her, a look of pain and desperation firmly etched upon his features.

"J-Jiraiya-sama showed me your notebook, Naruto-kun. I...saw what you wrote about me..."

The young man regarded her curiously before a single azure eye grew wide in fear. His sudden mortified expression was balanced out by a hesitant smile ushering forth both life and hope.

"I...I just wanted you to know that...s-sometimes, when I'm alone...I like to look up at the sky..."

She hastily gathered her hands in her lap, trying not to fidget. Naruto adopted a look of blank uncertainty. It was all Hinata could do not to tap her fingers together as she began to scrutinize the grass between her knees.

"My f-favorite color is blue, Naruto-kun...just like a bright sunny day, and...when I look up, I like to think I'm looking into your eyes, because..."

She swallowed again, trying desperately to force back the lump in her throat.

"Y-You see, N-Naruto...it...its b-because..."

Twin shimmering pearl-esque orbs slowly turned towards the youth. A single hand glided in the most ungainly fashion across a veritable chasm, bridging the gap between them by coming to rest upon his chakra-imbued cheek. For several long moments, all the world came to a standstill before the shining grandeur of a heart overflowing with simple yet profound emotions.

"Its because every time I look towards the sky, I'm reminded just how wonderful you truly are...how lucky I am to have you in my life, and...what a beautiful feeling I get when I think that you would even consider having someone like me as your friend..."

A pregnant pause hovered delicately between the cute kunoichi and somber shinobi.

Naruto was rendered speechless, able to do little more than stare openly at the elegance of a sunrise captured in but one girl's visage. With hardly a whimper, large rolling tears began to slide down whisker-marked cheeks.

"H-Hinata, I...-"

A contorted expression of agony ripped across his previously docile features as the young man let out a sudden yelp of pain. He rolled onto his side opposite her position, clutching desperately at his belly.

Within seconds, blood-red chakra completed its absolute domination of his person.

Hinata regarded his thrashing form with a bleeding heart as she hastily scrambled to her feet. Pale lavender eyes took in the sight of her first love as he slid beneath the veil of an all-consuming demonic aura.

As his wild golden locks swayed harshly in the red-tinged breeze, the young girl took but one step forward before an ethereal crimson tail erupted from Naruto's backside. She hardly had time to register such an odd occurrence before the chakra-formed appendage sliced through the air and straight across her face.

Hinata stumbled backwards with a muffled cry of pain, surprised and confused at the unforeseen blow. She wiped a delicate hand across her jaw and was startled to find a line of blood trickling down her cheek.

Naruto began to rise amidst a fiery torrent of tangible rage, all the while keeping his chin tucked to his chest in the most peculiar fashion. The Byakugan heiress glanced down at her bloodied hand, then out towards the boy before her.

"N-Naruto-kun...?"

As his head rose up, a feral grin gave way to blood-red eyes, devoid of even the slightest hint of sadness or remorse. Glistening fangs caught the last fleeting strands of an imminent sunset passing below the horizon.

"**No, child. I'm afraid the kit won't be coming out to play any time soon..."**

_Two floors up at the infamous Uchiha Estate!_

A certain onyx-eyed someone was just deciding whether or not to renew his subscription to _'Emo Monthly'_ when a small black disk shattered the nearby window and wedged itself into a ceiling tile. The young ninja dropped to the floor while fumbling for his kunai pouch.

Sasuke, once again, was ever so slightly surprised.

"Holy _shite_-monkeys! What the crap was that!?"

He slowly inched his way to the edge of a raised balcony and peered downward.

If at any point in his life Sasuke decided gouging his eyes out with a rusty spatula was a wise and noble decision, now would have been that time.

Two stories below stood Uchiha Itachi, fully decked out in Renaissance regalia, holding a disembodied head in a single outstretched hand. The young Sharingan-user issued forth a choked gasp.

_That rat bastard! Damn his knowledge of my forbidden love for Shakespearean lore!_

The missing-nin assumed a face-splitting grin as he hoisted the aforementioned item high into the air.

"What shuriken through yonder window breaks?"

Now, the real question wasn't how Itachi learned to speak with a dignified Thespian accent, but rather why his decapitated accessory was spouting off curses faster than Tayuya at a _'We Love Jiroubou!'_ fan club convention.

"_Goddammit!_ Fuck you, Itachi! This shit isn't even supposed to be happening until after the time skip!"

The red-eyed missing-nin cast a fierce glower at his silver-haired counterpart. Sasuke's left eyebrow gave a rather violent twitch.

"Hidan! I thought we had an agreement! You help me get Sasuke back and I'll make sure no one leaves you alone with Tobi ever again!"

The immortal-nin paled visibly as a few select memories shot to the forefront of his mind's eye. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Unless of course you're an orange swirly mask-wearing jackass who feels the incessant need to touch_ everything_ even when the object in question is screaming its head off (no pun intended) while trying to savagely gnaw off your fingertips.

A week's worth of overnight soakings in Listerine and he _still_ couldn't get the taste of 'idiot' out of his mouth...

Hidan promptly clammed up and did his best to act like a skull. Itachi assumed a dignified expression while trying to loosen the spandex riding up his ass. Sasuke jumped to his feet, determined to end this madness once and for all.

The missing-nin began a last ditch effort to win the heart of his cherished sibling.

_My precious little brother, I shall finally prove to you my complete and unbridled love!_

Itachi held his 'skull' aloft while hastily flipping though a hard cover copy of _'The Unofficial Ninja's Guide to Medieval Monologues and Sappy Soliloquies'. _The younger boy gritted his teeth while simultaneously working through a flurry of hand seals.

"To shinobi, or not to shinobi. _That _is the question!"

Sasuke began to gather as much chakra as he could muster while Itachi hastily searched for a verse to express his limitless affections.

Flip-flip-flip!

"A kunai by any other name would feel just as pointy!"

The young Sharingan-user slammed both hands together in the Tiger seal.

"_Katon!_-"

Realizing his predicament for what it was, the missing-nin quickly arrived at one of the most emotionally driven quandaries pondered by man since the dawn of time immortal.

Flip-flip-flip...flip!

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a-"

"_Big Ass Fireball no jutsu!_"

Suffice it to say, the sheer, umm, _explositivity_ of the explosion sent Hidan on a one way trip somewhere over the rainbow.

"_Fuck!_ Looks like Team Akatsuki is blasting off agaaaaaiiiiinnnnnn...(twinkle!).

Itachi, on the other hand, was left amidst a smoldering pile of sixteenth century lace and ridiculous poofy sleeves. The red-eyed nin shook the soot from his clothing while coughing out a puff of smoke in comedic anime fashion. Sasuke leapt from the balcony and landed right before his cloak-adorned elder brother.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?"

Itachi nearly imploded from joy at the arrival of his beloved sibling.

"Oh, Sasuke! Now that you're here nothing could possibly go wrong! We shall once again become the loving family we were always meant to-"

The young man cut him off with a vicious hand gesture.

"No! I mean what the hell is _wrong_ with you?! You've been stabbed in the face, had your crotch blown off, somehow managed to survive contracting rabies and I just incinerated your sorry ass with a _fireball_!"

The missing-nin regarded the boy before him with an emphatic nod.

"I would happily suffer through all of it again for eternity if only that I might once more revel in the heartfelt bonds of brotherly love!"

Sasuke grabbed his head in frustration, trying desperately to sort through the horrible memories that were beginning to surface.

"You're like an f'ing terminator!" (Ripped straight from _'The Oddest Birthday_'. Go read it!)

"And I'll be back whenever you need me oh sweet and precious brother of mine!"

Sasuke shot an accusatory finger at the clan-murdering demon.

"You killed everyone! Why are you even doing this? _I have nothing left because of you!_"

Itachi took on a heartfelt look of solemn regret.

"Thats not true, Sasuke. You still have me..."

The young man instantly whipped out a kunai and held it in a death grip. Itachi continued to regard his younger sibling with a gentle expression.

"Sasuke, please. I know we haven't always gotten along so well in the past, but I want you to know that I'm here for you."

The missing-nin cast the young man a disarming grin.

"Give me the chance to become that part of your life which you need so desperately right now."

Such words momentarily sent the young man reeling.

"What the hell would you possibly know about what I need!?This is all your fault! _Everything is your fault!_"

"I know, Sasuke. Thats why I want so much to make things right again..."

The Uchiha prodigy lunged forward, teeth bared, bracing the kunai tight against Itachi's throat.

"_You can make things right again by dying at my hand!"_

The missing-nin nodded somberly, greatly surprising the boy before him by moving closer still, pressing his neck flush against the edge of the blade.

"If thats what will truly make you happy, Sasuke, then...go ahead. Finish me off."

Sasuke's eyebrow gave another violent twitch.

"What are-...is this a trick? I've trained my whole life to kill you! I won't be fooled by-"

A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around the young man in a loving hug. Sasuke let out a cry of surprise, refusing to relinquish his hold on the weapon for even an instant.

"G-Get away from me! What are you doing?"

"Mother and father would never have wanted us to fight..."

The boy's grip began to tremble, creating a localized menagerie of cuts and slices all along the exposed flesh pressed firmly to his kunai.

"Leave them out of this! _Let me go!_"

Itachi's grasp tightened further as he lowered his head, in effect drawing the blade lightly across his throat. Rivulets of crimson began to snake their way across white-hot knuckles only to rain down upon a deathly pale cheek.

"No, Sasuke. I'll never let go...never. Not as long as you need me to hold on..." (The third and final reference to another one of my stories. _Mission Complete!_)

The Uchiha prodigy grew rigid, hardly aware that the kunai had at some point slipped from his grasp and clattered harmlessly to the ground. Blood began to mix with tears...his own tears...when had he begun to cry...?

"You...you bastard...I have no one...no one who cares..."

Itachi offered a faint smile, taking the time to ruffle the boy's hair in sympathy.

"That's not true, Sasuke. You have Uzumaki Naruto...you have that nice pink-haired girl...and you have me."

The young man snapped his eyes shut in an instant. All the anger and fear, fear he had not even been aware of, began to dissipate amidst one shuddering heartfelt sob. A hardened fist thumped the cloud-marked cloak before him, hardly able to dredge up all the hatred that had consumed his life for what seemed an eternity.

"I always hated you...hated you for being better than me...hated you for being father's favorite..."

The missing-nin issued forth a short laugh, ignoring his sibling's hushed sniffle of protest.

"You know what, Sasuke? That might be true, but...you were always _my_ favorite..."

Itachi drew his brother into a crushing bear hug, allowing the young man to keep his thoughts to himself as a pair of lead-weight shoulders slowly and silently began to bob up and down.

_No time for a witty remark! What's Hinata gonna do now?_

An unreadable expression washed across the young Hyuuga's features. Fear and loathing? Worry and regret? Who cares! He was almost free!

A possessed grin engulfed the boy's dire countenance.

"**Such a pleasure to see you again, my dear. I hope you weren't frightened too badly when last we met." **

Insipid laughter filled the countryside as the young Hyuuga took on a mildly perplexed expression. Such cryptic clues became all too clear as her stoic persona was broken by words spoken in a hushed whisper.

"T-Thats right...when I finally caught up with Naruto, he collapsed, and..."

'_Right from the middle of Naruto's belly, two feral eyes materialized into a terrifying fox's head. Before she could even process the meaning of such a thing, the savage form proceeded to leap right out from the boy's stomach and snap at her face...'_

Pale lavender eyes once more began to focus on the figure before her. Hinata's features hardened as new meaning blossomed from old memories.

"That was you..."

The fox-boy nodded, a great sigh escaping his black-lined lips.

"**It would have been so much easier if one of my Genjutsu's had simply eliminated you and been done with it. Alas..."**

Pointed fangs pulled back in a smile. Red chakra pulled and stretched along the boy's frame, seeming to thrive beneath its newfound freedom. Hinata could only watch as Naruto succumbed to a sea of burning energy, bubbling and reforming to create the image of an erect fox. As the spectral image began to coalesce, a fleeting glimpse of blond hair was all she saw before his entire likeness was overshadowed by ruby deceit.

"**It would seem that I must address this matter myself."**

Such words immediately sent the young woman into a shaky fighting stance, all the while praying that her fear would not be too apparent.

"I...I won't let you escape! Everyone is counting on me, I can't-...I won't let them down!"

The fox craned his neck to the side, regarding her through a single crimson orb. A second tail sprouted from the first, crisscrossing and kicking up dust wherever it landed.

"**Escape? No, child. You have been a thorn in my side far too long as it is. I'll finish you here and now."**

The possessed boy slammed both hands together in an open-palm seal, allowing both combatants to observe one another through a window-like opening crafted by blood-red claws. Hinata braced herself, trying to recall where she had come across that particular hand sign before.

"**Prepare yourself, girl! I'll destroy you from the inside out!" **

Pale lavender eyes widened in shock as stark recognition suddenly dawned upon her.

"T-Thats a Yamanaka technique! How could you-"

An angry bark of a laugh quieted her in an instant.

"**Do not presume to underestimate the power that stands before you, brat! Unraveling the petty secrets of men poses no difficulty for a demon of my caliber."**

The young woman gulped uneasily at the cold words, racking her brains for anything that might help in such a situation. Luckily, just such a tidbit of knowledge had been entrusted to her not so long ago.

_I-I remember from the Chuunin exams! Shino-kun said Ino-san used that jutsu on Sakura-san, but the target had to be immobile for it to work! If I can just dodge and-_

From beneath the ground, twin spiraling red tails sprouted forth and wrapped about the girl's legs, denying any hope of escape. Hinata's gaze shot upward just in time to witness a knowing smile overtake the fierce features of the creature before her.

"**You're finished, whelp! Mind-Body Transfer no jutsu!"**

An all-consuming darkness overcame the young woman in an instant, reducing her entire world to nothing more than a startled scream originating from her own throat.

-

Moments later, the Kyuubi's spirit found itself situated before a free-standing door deep within the young girl's mindscape. 'Hinata's Room' was prominently displayed upon the stout frame in elegant gold-leaf letters. Serrated fangs pulled back in a grin as he reached for the doorknob.

"**You'll pardon me, child, but I shall take great pleasure in making sure this hurts as much as possible..."**

Without further adieu, the fox demon threw open the small portal and stepped inside...only to have his jaw drop in momentary shock.

Naruto plushies of all shapes and sizes decorated every available inch of what could only be described as a toddler's room. An orange and blue bedspread, spiky blond wallpaper border, a Naruto skin rug on the floor and the apparent use of a gigantic bowl of ramen as an ottoman were only some of the sights to see in the House That Stalking Built. There was even a tubby Naruto in the corner acting the part of a beanbag chair.

(Still, nothing would ever compare to the time Gaara decided to entertain all the village children by commissioning a life-size replica of the _Clue!_ manor and cramming it full with famous celebrities. Who killed Mr. Boddy, you might ask? Turns out it was Chuck Norris, with the roundhouse kick, in the _face_.)

A red-lined eyelid twitched with unparalleled vigor.

"Umm, may I help you...?"

The fox spirit whirled about only to come face to face with a small feminine form.

Bright red eyes regarded the familiar figure before him...or at least her line-art.

"**What the-...why are you just a black and white outline?"**

The chalk-like girl cast him a warm grin as she tipped her transparent head to the side.

"'Cause thats how all the Inners are drawn, silly!"

That was met with a befuddled expression as her observer crinkled his snout in disgust.

"**You look like cheap photography!" **

The vulpine creature spun about once more, intent on finishing what he had started.

"**No matter. Your existence holds little worth to me. Once I'm finished here, you shall join the fate of this sniveling girl as well as that damned Uzumaki boy."**

A dark grin slid across the Kyuubi's features as he prepared to utterly destroy the delicate psyche of Konoha's last and greatest hope.

Good thing he didn't notice the rock-hard fist heading straight for his kidneys.

Ka-_PunchedInTheSpine!_

The fox spirit hurtled forward only to land face first in the plushie crotch of yet another gigantic stuffed Naruto. The fact that said object seemingly had two squeakers and a roll of dimes sewn into the material was another matter entirely.

A crimson frown made itself known as the Kyuubi dragged himself out of all the plush Naruto goodness. He was greeted by a savage scowl highlighted by a smoking fist held high in contempt.

"Thats what you get for threatening my bishie, _bitch!_"

The demon fox took on an agitated smirk as he throughly observed the diminutive figure standing before him.

"**Child, do enjoy these precious moments of life..._for they shall be your last!_"**

Instantly, a red streak dashed across the room, teeth bared, intent on ripping out the throat of the feminine outline situated in the doorway. The fact that everything suddenly grew to epic proportions was completely overshadowed by the sparkling pair of eyes beaming down at him as he was scooped up in a devastating bear hug.

"Aren't you just the _cutest!_ Don't worry, I know you didn't mean those cruel things about Naruto-kun. I forgive you!"

Quite distraught at this new turn of events, the Kyuubi thrashed and flailed only to be squeezed into submission by an overzealous kunoichi. A quick twist and turn soon found him once more situated on solid footing. Upon glancing to the left, any further explanation the demon could possibly need was unceremoniously reflected back at him in all its terrible glory.

From off to the side, a grinning Naruto vanity mirror revealed the image of a tiny fox with the most adorable pink button nose. Little rounded paws slapped bright orange cheeks as his super-deformed body began to tremble in absolute (yet adorable, mind you) rage.

"**_What have you done to me!_"**

He was met with a quiet look of puzzlement.

"Hmm? Oh, that! -giggle- I turned you into a _chibi!_"

"**You did what now!?"**

"A chibi! You know, the outrageously cute counterparts to an otherwise dull existence!"

A frazzled look engulfed the features of the demon before her.

"**But when did-...how could-..._damn you child! _Change me back this instant!"**

The young girl tapped a finger against her bottom lip in silent contemplation.

"Hmm..._nah! _This is _my_ world mister foxy fox, and I still wanna have some more fun before you go!"

To say the least, that response was not well received by her furry counterpart. A single chubby paw rose from his side in an instant, quite intent on ending this madness in one bloody fell swoop.

"**Do not trifle with me, human! I shall tear you apart limb from limb!**"

Eager to make good on his promise, the fox demon squeezed the small padding on his paw so as to unsheathe a lethal display of razor sharp claws...only to be presented with a bottle opener, a pair of tweezers, one corkscrew, a magnifying glass and a toothpick.

Such an untimely event was met with a dignified assessment harboring the utmost levels of intellect and civility.

"**What...the _crap._"**

The stencil-lined girl succumbed to a fit of giggles as she gave him a delicate pat on the head.

"Now you're a Swiss Army Chibi! Tee-hee! I think I'm gonna call you Shippo!"

That was answered by a look of both shock and revulsion.

"**Who's-... _oh,__the hell you will!_ I hate that damn anime! Stupid DragonBallZ for girls..."**

Unperturbed by the continued resistance of the stout figure before her, Inner Hinata issued forth a motherly 'tsk' as she cracked her knuckles in an ominous fashion.

"Now now, like I said before, this is _my_ world. And in my world..."

A seductive glint began to smolder in the young woman's eyes.

"I can do whatever I want..."

Two hands clamped down on a pair of furry shoulders as Hinata's alter-ego eyed the fox hungrily.

"Since you're sealed in Naruto, and we're both deep inside my mind...that means Naruto is deep inside me too!"

The demonic figure promptly sweat-dropped. Well that didn't sound right...

"**I, uhh, hardly think our current predicament accurately depicts the precise logic you seem to have-"**

"Which means the only sensible thing to do is consummate our eternal love!"

"**Yes, yes of course, but...wait, wha-!?"**

"_Let's make a baby!"_

Before the demon could even hope to respond, he was unceremoniously vaulted into the air and onto the bed beside them. Inner Hinata wasted no time pinning him to the mattress with a sultry wink and giggle. Her victim-to-be issued forth a squawk of terror as she pulled out a set of jumper cables and a bamboo cane from beneath the covers.

"**Good lord, woman! You need serious help!"**

"**-**Giggle- Nah, I'll be just fine! Besides, thats what the barbed wire and sedatives are for..._"_

"_**What?!"**_

"Nothing! Tee-hee!"

Without further adieu, the young girl proceeded to unleash years of pervertedness in what could only be described as a cacophony of grunts, bellows, several metric tons of WD-40 and the apparent use of a step-by-step guide on how to skin a boar with nothing but your teeth. (_Kinky!_)

To say the least, the Kyuubi was having the time of his life.

_Epic -_slash-_ unholy pwnage!_

"**That's not-ahh!-supposed to-urf!-go there! Where would you even- Gah! No! Anything but...oh, heh heh. A little bit lower and to the-_sweet merciful crap on a stick IT BURNS!!_"**

Approximately forty-five seconds later, a shell-shocked bundle of red-orange fluff was left to quiver violently all by his lonesome. Inner Hinata was nowhere to be found.

Focusing on nothing more than the sudden urge to get the hell out of there, the fox demon sat bolt upright and decided to make a break for it. Alas, it just so happened that a small business card fluttered down from above and landed right in the Kyuubi's lap. After a moment, he picked it up.

_'Congratulations! You have just been thoroughly assaulted and/or molested by Inner Hinata! Your complimentary bondage set should arrive in the mail within three to five business days. Please see reverse side for additional information.'_

Not quite sure what to make of that, the small card found itself shakily turned over atop a stubby paw.

_'Your next appointment has been scheduled for: Half-past ramen.'_

A furry eyebrow lazily rose in contemplation of that last line. Turning his head, the Kyuubi spied a Mickey Mouse-style Naruto clock adorning the wall beside him. Set directly in the center, two orange-clad arms pointed to a six and a cup-o-ramen respectively. (Guess what the _seconds_ hand was!)

The demon glanced down at the card, then back to the clock.

"**B-But...its half-past ramen right now..."**

Which immediately led to him being interrupted by a giggle just behind his left shoulder. The fox spun about in a panic, his eyes bulging wide at the sight of the young girl now donning a welder's mask and blow torch.

"Tee-hee! Did I forget to mention we're offering a two-for-one special today? My bad!"

Inner Hinata began to whistle a merry tune as she adjusted the item's gas-intake pressure. Her scruffy little compatriot immediately slammed both paws together in unmitigated horror.

"**Oh emm gee _RELEASE!_"**

**-**

Within moments, the Kyuubi was restored to his host body, panting wildly. A diminutive girl slumped to the ground before him, leaning heavily against a nearby tree. As she woozily regained her footing, the fox cast a maddened finger towards her simple form.

"**You're a bad person!"**

Hinata cast him a quizzical look of purity mixed with virtue. Her accuser gave a stark shudder.

A swell of red chakra bubbled with intensity as the Kyuubi quickly regained his composure.

"_**Enough of this foolishness!"**_

Along with the sudden outburst came a third tail sprouting from the first. Each red-lined appendage scuffed and slapped the earth, hungry for the blood of one who would mock such overwhelming power.

"**You dare stand against **_**me**_**, child?** **A human too weak to overcome even the most basic of adversaries? What chance do you have against **_**Kyuubi no Kitsune**_**, the demon who would lay waste to mountains with but a single gesture!"**

The demonic figure began to stalk forward, his tails thrashing and stabbing the undergrowth as he carved a path through the foliage. Hinata took an awkward step back, both legs suddenly weak before the terrible visage of a creature possessing near infinite chakra. Naruto's limp body trudged along as well, guided and molded by dark energy consuming his entire form.

"**Where did you attain this false hope, human? What idiocy has invaded your mind so as to think you can win? How could a piece of trash even consider surviving the onslaught of a beast responsible for the genocide of _hundreds_?" **

With each sentence came a new sense of overwhelming dread. Could she really do this? _Kyuubi no Kitsune_, the Nine-Tailed Fox...what was she thinking? Maybe there was still time to free Jiraiya...maybe there was another way that didn't involve fighting, a jutsu that could end this from a distance...maybe someone would come along and save the village again, just like what happened so many years ago. Maybe-

All at once, the Byakugan heiress brought her thoughts to a standstill, bowing her head low as two small hands rose to grip the front of her jacket.

_Maybe I'm just a coward..._

A terrible roar permeated her brain, engulfing the surrounding forest in dire laughter.

"**Was that all it took, human? A few simple words to send your entire world crashing down?"**

The Kyuubi paused where he stood, regarding the girl from a few yards away. His features pulled back in a playful smirk.

"**Tell me, _whelp, _do you truly believe you can defeat me in order to save yourself?"**

Hinata tightened her hold on the fabric beneath her fingertips.

"Defeat you...t-to save myself...?"

A terrible silence slowly descended upon the two individuals. Rivulets of crimson lapped at the features of the free-standing boy in direct contrast to the tears now slipping down the young woman's cheeks.

"D-Do I think I can win...to save my own life?"

Purple bangs danced across a tentative frown. Her response was but a whisper violated by the cool evening breeze.

"No...I don't."

Piercing white fangs sneered at her slender form, eager to consume the remnants of a soul wallowing in self-doubt and misery. Before the creature could make it's move, Hinata's hands dropped to her sides, halting the fox's ambitions as two brazen fists highlighted a jaw clenched in foreboding determination.

_"But I can do it for everyone else."_

The young woman's eyes rose to meet her oppressor, tears coursing down her cheeks as she addressed the beast with a look of steel.

"Everyone is counting on me...I know I've always been a burden, but...Shino-kun, Kiba-kun and...N-Naruto-kun..."

She gazed towards the orange-clad figure hidden behind a veil of evil tidings. Fear and loathing, worry and regret, all these things passed into nothingness at the thought that her friends, her family, her hopes for the future and everything else demanded that she be strong _now_.

No more hiding...

"I can't do this for myself...I know that. But to save the people I care about, to save the person I..."

Two pearl-esque orbs snapped back to the demonic features drinking in the world. A fierce scowl unbecoming of such a delicate flower overshadowed all that stood before her.

No more second guesses...

"I-I won't lose to you! Not when everyone needs me! Not when Naruto needs me! Even if I have to sacrifice my life, I...I will _not_ let you hurt the people who matter the most!"

With each new breath came a burst of adrenaline, prompting the young woman to assume the _Jyuuken_ stance. Hinata began to focus her chakra while likewise reaching into a belt pouch and leg holster.

No more running away...

"I made a _promise_...I swore I would do my _best_...I won't go back on my word; not now...not _ever_."

_No more._

The young woman brought both hands forward, intent on finishing this once and for all.

"_Byakugan!"_

White-washed eyes blazed with intensity. The blade of a freshly drawn kunai reflected the red-orange glow of both her adversary and the setting sun. Resting gently in the palm of her other hand, a small pellet rolled about in an unassuming manner.

Harboring a rather amused look, her opponent nonchalantly coiled a tail about the trunk of a nearby tree. With but a single twist, the ancient wood snapped and split, leaving a broken carcass to rot in the underbrush. Hinata forced back the lump in her throat as her persecutor flashed a knowing smile.

"_I...I'm not afraid of you!_"

The demonic figure released a hoarse laugh. Ripples of power began to course all along his assumed being.

"**Oh, child..."**

Razor-sharp fangs pulled back in a grin.

"_**You should be."**_

Without further adieu, the young woman gritted her teeth, offered a quick prayer...and charged.

_Ah, but enough of this boring stuff. I wonder how the Uchiha brothers are doin'! _

Situated on the same outcropping of rocks from before, Itachi glanced over to his younger sibling. Sasuke was right at his side, both knees tucked squarely beneath his chin. The older man took on a reassuring expression as he clapped his hands in delight.

"Have you ever thought it might be time you got yourself a girlfriend?"

Such an unexpected comment stirred the boy from his brooding.

"What?"

"A girlfriend! You know, someone to help drain off that excess emo you're always caring around. It really doesn't suit you."

Sasuke shifted a bit to side, absently tugging at his high-neck collar while frowning profusely.

"But...I like wallowing in my own self-induced misery..."

"See? Thats what I'm talking about!"

Silence.

Itachi took on a knowing smile while patting his sibling on the shoulder.

"Sasuke, listen to your older brother. Being emo means you keep a fervent vigilance of not caring about anything. Your entire life is dedicated to passionately ignoring all thats around you! You're a total non-conformist who conforms entirely with other non-conformists."

Itachi leaned back on his rock while losing himself in the moment. Sasuke quirked an eyebrow.

"But thats not you, Sasuke! You worked hard to become the top ninja in your class! You care about the future and follow your dreams! You'll never know how proud I am of that unyielding determination when it comes to killing me...the world would be a better place if more young people had your type of murderous conviction dominating their lives."

The young Sharingan-user cast his brother an odd look.

"That, uhh...thats probably a bad thing, actually..."

"So is you being emo. Now lets talk girls!"

Sasuke twitched slightly at the sudden twist in conversation.

"Umm..."

His counterpart took on a deadly serious expression.

"You _do_ like girls, right? Repopulating the Uchiha Clan kind of requires a certain willingness to-"

"_I like girls."_

The red-eyed nin blinked at the interruption. Sasuke fidgeted in his seat while trying to conceal a light redness overcoming his features.

"I like girls, ok? Thats not the problem..."

"There's a problem?"

The young ninja growled irritably.

"_No._ Well, sort of, but...not really, I mean...kind of..."

Itachi took a moment to stroke his baby-ass smooth chin.

"Hmm...I see. Is this about you not being able to...? 'Cause there are plenty of prescription drugs out there and-"

An onyx eye twitched in agitation.

"I don't...need..._drugs_..."

"Now now, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I went to the male clinic with Kisame once, and let me tell you, things are so much more complicated when you have two of them. Did you even know sharks have two? Man, I'll never forget that first winter when he wrote both our names in the snow at the same time. Gave me nightmares for weeks..."

Sasuke gave a cold shudder.

"I...I think I'd rather talk about girls some more..."

That of course was met with a bright-eyed look of victory.

"Excellent! Now let me see, what about that cute little teammate of yours? What was her name again? Saucepan? Salmonella? Scurvy?"

"Sakura."

"Right, thats the one. So how about her? She seems nice enough."

The young shinobi gave a halfhearted shrug.

"Sakura's...ok, I guess. Annoying, but...nice. When she keeps her mouth shut."

A delicate glow dabbed at the young man's cheeks, made even more apparent by the faint traces of sunlight dipping below the horizon. The missing-nin took on a tell-tale smile.

"You like her, don't you! Ah, the sweet nostalgic embrace of young love!"

Itachi leaned in to give his little brother a great big hug, prompting Sasuke to tense up and growl.

"It's not...I didn't mean it, ok! I know she likes me, but...she's so...every time I look at her, it just...it brings back memories..."

"Good memories?"

"...No."

The Mangekyo Sharingan-user cast the boy a contemplative look.

"You know...if somethings on your mind, you can tell me. I want to be there for you, Sasuke, any way that I can. Would you let me be that special person right now?"

The young shinobi frowned once more, turning his head off to the side.

"It...its embarrassing..."

"Now don't worry about that...you can tell me anything! And if you're still concerned about the repopulating issue, I know this great Swedish pharmacist that can-"

He was cut off by an ardent hand gesture.

"Would you stop with the damn medication! Thats not it, ok? It's all because I'm afraid of-"

Sasuke clamped his jaw shut in an instant. Itachi swiveled in his seat so as to meet a pair of onyx eyes head on. (Apply directly to the forehead! Err, sorry...)

"What are you afraid of, little brother? Commitment? Marital issues? Finding designer bras mixed in with your unmentionables? Stupid Konan..."

He was answered by a muted whisper.

-Mumble mumble-

"Hmm...?"

A grievous sigh overcame the small heartfelt gathering.

"I said I...I'm..."

"Go on Sasuke, let it out. Big brother Itachi is right here for you."

The young man exhaled sharply while slumping forward in total defeat.

"...I'm afraid of pink things."

That was of course met with a calm and collected response harboring all the pristine elements that comprise what it is to be a loving and faithful elder brother.

Itachi's jaw promptly detached and dropped to his knees.

"Huzza_whaaaa_...?"

Sasuke took on a renewed shade of crimson as he tried to retreat into his collar.

"Don't you remember the day mom and dad took us to the carnival?"

The older man composed himself immediately, taking the time to brush a bit of saliva from his pants.

"The carnival...? Oh, yes! Yes of course! You were only six and- oh my."

Itachi cast a reminiscent glance up towards the heavens.

"Thats right...I _do_ remember! They needed fourteen S-ranked fire suppression jutsus and the jaws of life to get you out of that cement mixer! It was the third worst cotton candy-related incident in all of Konoha's history..."

Several strands of raven hair wafted aimlessly across a too-pale cheek.

"Every time I look at her, all I can think of is the horror and agony from that day...I've tried to get over it, but nothing helps...the best I could do was start eating tomatoes all the time and tell myself they were dark pink...I still can't even look at a piece of filleted salmon without crying a little..."

Itachi took on a solemn look heralding the onset of a brand new era.

"My precious little brother, I shall make it my duty to help you overcome these insidious fears! Are you with me, Sasuke? We shall conquer this pink-clad demon with the power of togetherness!"

The young shinobi regarded his brother with a wide-eyed look of disbelief.

"R-Really? After all I've put you through, you would still do that for me...?"

A wrinkle-marked countenance gave an emphatic nod.

"Of course my dear sibling! Its the least I can do to reestablish the tattered bonds that forever bind us as family! We shall unite and overcome said trials and tribulations under the guidance of fraternal love!"

Such a powerful sentiment instantly prompted the young man's features to well up with tears. A fierce pair of watery anime eyes gazed upward towards the older ninja. He was answered by an emotionally driven visage sporting all the elements of barely contained joy and jubilation.

Right at that moment, a massive wave broke over the rocks before them, catching the light in prismatic sprays of color as each figure promptly burst into a theatrical display of tears.

"Sasuke!"

"Itachi-nii-san!"

"_Sasuke!"_

"_Itachi-nii-san!"_

Both young men immediately gravitated into a heartfelt embrace noticeably reminiscent of another pair of youthful individuals.

Well, minus the eyebrows.

Sasuke sank a bit deeper into the cloak-adorned arms of his elder brother, secure in the knowledge that for the first time in what seemed an eternity, everything would finally turn out A-ok and that there was absolutely no chance whatsoever his fragile semblance of peace would come crashing down around him before the end of the next chapter.

Nope, not a chance. Good times!

_Right, ok, whatever. Rainbows and gumdrops for everyone. BACK TO THE FIGHT!_

Hinata took but one step forward before hurling the tiny pellet to the ground. Instantly, she leapt off to the side as a huge gout of smoke enveloped the surrounding area. Her adversary remained where he stood, a devilish grin overtaking his features.

"**Do you truly believe a smoke bomb will help you defeat me, human? How amusing..."**

A red-tipped snout pierced the dense cloud about him, sniffing the area for signs of life.

"**Come out come out wherever you are, child. I'll even promise to make it..._quick_."**

Before he could goad the young woman any further, a slight whisper in the breeze was all the warning needed to avoid a kunai aimed straight for his abdomen. The fox-boy deftly side-stepped the projectile, grinning maliciously as a satisfying _thunk_ emanated from a nearby tree.

The Kyuubi looked out into the pseudo-fog hungrily, eager for the chance to end this paltry charade. Just as he did so, three distinct shadows made themselves known some distance before him. A pair of black-lined lips pulled back in a snarl.

"**A clone jutsu...such a waste."**

Immediately, the demon fox began to gather chakra from all parts of his body. With the sudden increase in power came the arrival of a fourth tail ripped free from its brothers. As one, each crimson appendage spread out to its full glory under the direction of a sudden surge in energy.

"**Allow me to put an end to your foolishness, _brat_. I have no intention of wasting any more time on the likes of you." **

Along with the words came a violent pulse of chakra, driving back and dissipating the smoke in one fell swoop. Drawn from the safety of the obscuring mist, three identical young women all regarded the demon with a stark look of surprise. Before any further action could be taken, the Kyuubi lashed out two tails at a time, decimating the two doppelgangers on either side of the central figure. A pair of shattered logs quickly found their rightful places on the ground.

Twin lavender eyes grew wide in fear as all four tails snaked back and enveloped Hinata's body in a strangle-hold. The Byakugan heiress brought both hands to her throat, trying valiantly to stave off such lethal intent.

"**Your end is at hand, child. Have you anything to say before I snap your pathetic little neck?"**

After several futile moments of struggling, Hinata lowered her head while the red-orange glow of burning chakra outlined an emotionless expression set firmly upon her countenance.

"I...I don't care, I won't give up...I've learned so much, from Naruto-kun...and Shino-kun..."

A hesitant breath escaped the young woman's throat.

"I've learned so much, and...I can't let them down..."

Several wayward tears fell from her cheeks, sizzling and burning on the noose wrapped tightly about her neck.

"B-But...the thing I remember most clearly...is what Shino-kun taught me back at the Chuunin exams..."

Slowly, very slowly, the young woman raised her head from the fiery cushion set below her jaw. The demon narrowed a wary eye at such an unhealthy lack of fear and trepidation.

"Y-You see, Shino-kun always said that...while an ace in the hole is good..."

Hinata took on a thin smile, much to the confusion of her assailant. Both hands came together in a very familiar cross-like seal.

"_Two_ aces are better."

In an instant, the young girl disappeared in a puff of smoke. The Kyuubi recoiled in surprise.

"**A _shadow_ clone? Then where did..."**

The fox-boy's jaw went rigid as he half-turned to regard the kunai behind him. At once, a sudden poof of smoke revealed the figure of a young woman clinging easily to the tree's side, a fierce look of determination dominating her Byakugan-induced features.

Both combatants took but a split second to reassess their individual situations. Hinata kicked off at once, pressing hard against the bark and catapulting towards the source of so much malice and strife. The Kyuubi awkwardly spun about, raking the air before him in a desperate attempt to fend off her blindside attack.

The young woman reached her destination in a tuck and roll, passing under the wide arc aimed solely for her head. A sharp pain tore through her right arm, but not before she managed to position herself deep inside the demon's defenses.

Within the young girl's mind, she placed them both at the heart of an emerald signet heralding the onset of one of Konoha's greatest and deadliest jutsus. Her voice was icy calm.

"Eight Trigrams Seal..."

The Kyuubi glanced down from his off balance position, a wide-eyed look of shock dominating his features. Hinata focused all the chakra she could into the palms of her hands. A quick glance upward brought with it the comatose expression of a boy trapped behind walls of insufferable rage and hatred.

_Naruto...forgive me._

A pair of fingers slammed into the boy's midsection, spearing him with chakra delivered directly to the restraining jutsu set upon his belly.

"Two hands!"

The demon gave a violent shudder. Jiraiya-sama had been right; reinforcing the seal did prove effective in disrupting the demon's chakra flow.

"Four hands! Eight hands!"

A terrible ripple of crimson radiated out from the center of impact, breaking and reforming at various parts across Naruto's body.

"Sixteen hands!"

The Kyuubi bellowed in hate or agony, Hinata could not be sure which. A sudden wave of pain coursed through her right arm, causing the young woman to grit her teeth before redoubling her efforts in a final barrage of heavy blows.

"_Twenty-Eight Hands of Hakke!_"

With the completion of her half-formed jutsu, the Kyuubi stumbled backward and toppled to the ground, several remnant wisps of red licking fervently at the air before finally extinguishing. All that was left was a bruised and beaten boy sprawled out in the cool evening air.

He let out a groan.

Hinata was at his side in an instant, already having fished through her pockets for the all-important sealing jutsu prepared by the Toad Hermit himself.

"N-Naruto-kun...?"

The young man groaned once more before straining to open his eyes. A cream-colored jacket took up his entire field of vision.

"H...Hinata...chan...?"

Hinata tried her best to quell the lump rising in her throat. He was ok...she hadn't hurt him...he was going to be ok...

"H-Hinata-chan...you...you're hurt...you shouldn't..."

The young woman did her best to offer him a weak grin, ignoring both the pain and blood now seeping through the sleeve of her torn jacket.

"N-Naruto-kun, it...its ok now. See? I've got a seal from Jiraiya-sama...if I put it on your forehead, everything will be all better."

Naruto cast her a woozy expression.

"But...the Kyuubi...how did you...?"

The young woman glanced off to the side.

"I...I disrupted his flow of chakra...I didn't do much, I...I'm just glad you're ok..."

She was met with a bleary-eyed look of gratitude.

"Thanks...Hinata. You're...the best...heh..."

The young woman took on a deep blush while working up the courage to inch closer and affix the seal, finally putting an end to this madness. Alas, both figures were taken completely by surprise when Naruto's right arm snapped up by its own accord, snatching Hinata's outstretched hand in a death grip.

Naruto took on a look of horror as a bright red pulse erupted from his entire body at once. The full manifestation of a fox's head overtook the boy's childlike features in an instant, placing Hinata mere inches from the dark temperament of an enraged demon-made-flesh.

"_**How dare you strike at me you insolent little brat!"**_

The young girl shrieked in terror, almost dropping the prepared note still clenched in her hand. In one fluid motion, the Kyuubi flung her aside only to land full force against the trunk of a tree several meters away. She let out a muffled cry of pain before gathering her senses enough to stuff the note back into a pocket.

Without warning, four treacherous tails lashed out and pinned her to the bark from a distance, drawing her prostrate against the wooden pillar. An aggravated laugh pierced her very soul with its coarseness.

"**Congratulations, child. It seems I may have underestimated you. To have learned such an advanced jutsu through nothing more than simple observation...commendable."**

The demonic figure traced a single digit along his belly.

"**Still, a poor attempt. You don't even compare to members of your own lineage, how would you possibly muster the strength to defeat an opponent several thousand times stronger than anything you've ever faced before?"**

A sharp bark of laughter passed by razor-sharp teeth.

"**No matter, for its time I ended this little game. I must now turn my attention to more...pressing matters."**

The possessed figure began to focus chakra in the palm of his hand, condensing it into a spiraling sphere. As the orb solidified, tendrils of crimson lifted it into the air amidst the likeness of a giant chakra-formed claw.

"**Goodbye, human. May you seek comfort in the knowledge that you provided me some form of entertainment before I grew weary of your continued existence."**

Without further comment, the Kyuubi lashed out towards the girl before him.

"_**Corrupt Rasengan!"**_

Hinata squirmed as best she could, unable to tear her eyes from what promised to be a quick and merciless death. Just as the lethal display of chakra approached its mark, a violent spasm shook the blood-red appendage, causing it to arc wildly into another nearby tree. The young woman was horrified to see the spinning object bore right into and through nearly two feet of solid wood.

She could feel the blood drain from her face as she was released from her bindings, the red-lined claw and sphere fading into nothingness before her.

"**Still not enough control...this body is too weak..."**

Collapsing to the ground, Hinata released the Byakugan and could do little more than stare at the creature before her. She was greeted by a contemplative look far more reserved than the murderous rage she had witnessed only seconds before. The demon took a single step forward, then stopped...and smiled.

"**Look at our shadows."**

Still dazed from her recent ordeal, the young woman numbly complied. All she could see was darkness.

"There...there aren't any shadows..."

Something about that fact hummed in the back of her mind, but she couldn't quite place it.

"**Precisely. The time of reckoning has finally arrived, child. With the sunset shall come the dawning of a new era ruled by darkness. This land shall crumble beneath the might of _Kyuubi no Kitsune_, the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox!"**

The Kyuubi relaxed his form, allowing crimson chakra to draw in closer to his twisted likeness.

"**There is no hope left to hold on to, human. The next time we meet, you shall bow before your new master."**

Hinata took on a look of terrible remorse as a few select words bubbled up from the confines of her memories.

"_The truth is, if you don't destroy Naruto in the next couple of hours, everyone in the village will be dead by nightfall."_

Was this it? Had she failed? Wasn't there anything left she could do, anything to save the people she cared so much about?

"**Fare thee well, child. Enjoy these last minutes of life, for everything shall soon end where it all began..._"_**

And with that, the fox-boy leapt up into the trees and was gone. Hinata was left all alone, smothered beneath her own self-doubts and inadequacies.

_I...I failed? But, then everyone will...all because of me..._

An expressionless void overcame the young woman's features for the longest time. Hinata expelled a mute breath into the night, offering a silent reminder that she was still alive, that she could still fight.

_I...I can't let that happen. I can't keep fighting for everyone else, either. I can't keep relying on other people's strength..._

The young woman delicately pulled out the sealing note with one hand, Naruto's headband with the other. She cast a reminiscent glance towards both objects, reflecting on their meaning and what they truly meant.

Blond spiky hair, goofy grins, those cute whisker marks...

A hesitant whisper pierced the air around her.

"I...I want him back..."

Her friends and family; Shino-kun, Kiba-kun, Akamaru-kun...

Hinata's breath came out a bit stronger.

"I want them back too, I..."

Everything she had hoped and prayed for, everyone she owned so much to, every dream she had yet to fulfill...

The young woman clenched a fist, propping herself up against the side of a tree.

"I want it all back..."

The Byakugan heiress hastily pulled out a jar of ointment and began to dress her wounds. She made her way towards the village as fast as she could, settled on the knowledge that she could still make a difference if the will to succeed was there.

A deep scowl beset the young girl's features, marking a heartfelt promise both to herself and everyone precious to her that this would not be just another day, that she would stand up and place her life on the line, that she would finally give more than her best, that she would give everything she had and more.

Hinata pressed through the massive wooden gates under the cover of night, intent on proving that the Will of Fire beat just as fervently in her breast as any other shinobi in Konoha.

_I want it all back, everything, and I'm willing to fight for it to my last breath. I can't fight just for Naruto, not this time. I need to do it for myself... _

The young woman reactivated her Byakugan and scanned the surrounding area. Faint traces of an immense chakra network still permeated the air.

_I'm fighting for everyone now...I have to be strong...stronger than I've ever been, stronger than I ever thought possible..._

Hinata reached down and unfastened her headband from around her neck. With a fluid grace befitting her form, she retied it about her forehead.

_No turning back...no second thoughts! I'll win if I just believe in myself! I know I can do this, and I'll do it as a shinobi of Konoha!_

With those final thoughts to steel her resolve, Hyuuga Hinata raced along the moonlit path, heading straight for what could only be described as an inconclusive destiny.

* * *

Long enough for ya:P 

Allow me to address three little things that I'm sure at least some people will pick up on and possibly have a problem with:

1. Inner Hinata isn't canon!

True, but sticking to canon rules hasn't been much of a guideline thus far, so why stop at the inclusion of a (technically) brand new character?

2. Kyuubi knows jutsus? What the crap!

This one's simple: You explain to me why an all-powerful demon harboring the cumulative intellect and knowledge gathered over the span of hundreds of years can't reverse-engineer a simple jedi mind trick and I'll give you a cookie. An _evil_ cookie.

3. Hinata knows the Shadow Clone technique. Thats going too far.

Yeah, you're probably right on that one. However, I got the image of the fight scene stuck in my head before I necessarily went through the logistics of it, and the only way to have Hinata 'throw herself' was with a shadow clone.

Besides, who else besides Sakura and Sasuke has anywhere near the first-hand experience of observing Naruto pretty much day and night? Hinata is a smart girl, I wouldn't put such a thing past her. Also, I limited it to one shadow clone, which I thought was reasonable.

Based on the above-mentioned facts, this might be the first thing I've written that might actually warrant flames! Awesome! XD

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Stay tuned for our next episode entitled, 'The Epic Chapter of Epicness'. Based on the events so far, its sure to be quite...epic, I suppose. -shrugs-


	8. The Epic Chapter of Epicness P1

**DISCLAIMER:** No, I don't own ninjas. Please stop thinking that I do. :P

On a lighter note...

**I'M NOT DEAD! **Ha, I know, I can't believe it either. In a nutshell, I took a year off from writing so that I could adjust to my new job as a math teacher. Well, adjustments are done and I FINALLY decided to finish this story once and for all. To any readers who actually remember who the hell I am after all this time...thanks for being awesome. ;D

Now go! Read this chapter before I go AWOL for a whole decade or something! Oh, and...ya might want to skim chapter 7 since I just jump right into things here. In other words...

NO RECAP 4 U! Mwahahaha!

* * *

Having taken but a moment to compartmentalize her waning self-doubts, Hinata barreled through the massive wooden archway...only to step in a dainty fresh pile of manure. Her newly ruined pedicure emphatically exclaimed that the circus was in town!

With but a single dumbfounded glance, the small girl took in all the sites (and smells) before her. Festivities abounded, not the least of them being the World's Weakest Man, a Clean-Shaven Woman, and the Domesticated Wild Boy. Truth be told, Hinata couldn't give a Rat-nin's ass about any of that crap and was instead intrigued by the 'Inventions of Tomorrow!'.

Despite her current predicament, the young woman rubbed her hands together in a most diabolical fashion.

_I wonder if they finally managed to make a ramen noodle wonder bra without all the chaffing..._

Curious to see if she could officially patent her long-held desire for _M__e_sh_ N_aruto_ Ta_ming _L_ingerie (a.k.a. Project MeNTaL), the young Kunoichi darted her way over to the impressively lit-up outdoor exhibit. Truth be told, the majority of items displayed were far too f'd up to ever write about in a dignified fanfic such as this; the sheer abundance of hand lotion and hair removers alone made for a rather unsettling (yet pleasantly supple) experience.

(Still, nothing would ever compare to the time Gaara replaced all the ice cream in Suna with KY brand INTENSE © Jelly. To this very day, none of the village children could enjoy a cold refreshing treat without being lectured on the perils of indecent exposure in public places. Mind you, the real fun didn't begin until they realized all the red rainbow sprinkles had been replaced with flesh-eating fire ants. ROFLcopter!)

As luck would have it, a quaint little stand made itself known in the far corner, beckoning the young girl over. Immediately upon her arrival, Captain Yamato disengaged himself from a nearby tree while dusting off what appeared to be a greasy car salesman jacket. The post-timeskip Jounin dug out a small cedar splinter from the inseam of his pants. He immediately assumed a face-splitting grin.

"I've got wood!"

Hinata cringed visibly. He flicked the item into a trash can.

"But enough about me, let's talk about you! Has it ever seemed that there wasn't enough music in your life? Or for that matter _explosions_? Well we here at ShinobiCo have just the answer!"

At that particular statement, Yamato pulled out a bright red cylinder spanning the full length of his arm. The young girl sweat-dropped as he blew a raspberry into one of the open ends.

"Allow me to introduce the Kazooka; its not quite a kazoo, and its not quite a bazooka, but _man_ is it awesome!"

Noticing her incredulous stare, he dumped the piece of junk and went for the next one.

"Not into music, eh? No matter! What you need is one of _these_ babies!"

From out of nowhere, the older man pulled out a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.

"Are you familiar with an RPG?"

The young girl pondered that for a moment before offering a tentative answer.

"Uhh...y-you mean a Rocket Propelled Grenade?"

The older man took on a slightly insane grin.

"Nope! Rocket Propelled _Genin_!"

And with that, Kiba promptly popped his head out of the business end of the weapon in question.

"_K-Kiba-kun!?!_"

The dog boy waved emphatically.

"Hiya Hinata!"

**KA-BLAMMO!**

"_Bye-ya Hinata!"_

Struck deaf, dumb and temporarily blind at such an act, the Hyuuga maiden rubbed her eyes vigorously as Kiba presumably approached entry into the stratosphere. She peeked through her fingers to see the Jounin sporting what appeared to be a Konaha-issued protective vest.

Of course, the real surprise came when his pectorals began to inflate to gargantuan proportions. He offered a good natured thumbs up to offset her unparalleled look of horror.

"I take it you're familiar with a flak jacket, but make no mistake...this here is a _rack jacket__!_ Guaranteed by ShinobiCo to increase a woman's bust size in three seconds flat! Did you know it even comes with a handy pre-set feature? Simply select 'sporty', 'voluptuous' or 'Hindenburg' and off ya go!"

Yamato immediately began to play with the individual controls, creating a hypnotizing display that very much resembled a beach ball trying to mate with a grapefruit. He gestured towards the ever expanding ensemble, suddenly taking on a deadly serious ghost-like expression as the lights momentarily dimmed.

"Just so you know, this makes for one _helluva _nice life preserver, too."

Intent on not letting that stray comment further corrupt the inner recesses of her mind, Hinata immediately began to formulate the best way to incorporate such a gimmick into her existing repertoire of clothing.

_Hmm...maybe I could sew it into that lavender coat I have and pretend its a wardrobe malfunction..._

Suffice it to say, she wasn't granted much of an opportunity to dwell on such promiscuous thoughts after observing her cousin decked out in a top hat and tuxedo several feet in front of her. The fact that Choji was squeezing his butt into a form-fitting pink leotard just happened to be icing on the cake.

Neji hopped up onto a nearby soapbox and thumped the ground with his cane while twirling a glued on mustache. His beautifully grotesque assistant nonchalantly adjusted a pair of man-boobs beneath the skin tight outfit. Both stood before a dilapidated tent promising no end to the torture this day had so far brought along with it.

"Hur-ray hur-ray hur-ray! Be the first to see the most sensational sights, mystical mysteries and fantastical fantasies! Don't be shy ladies and gentleman, just step on up to experience the wonders of the world!"

Having been the only sane person actually present to hear such a grandiose introduction, Hinata instantly became the singular point of interest to a pair of Genjutsu-induced psychotic gazes. She swallowed back a surge of bile as Choji bounded over to her not unlike a lava lamp with legs. The poor girl was unceremoniously dragged back to her oblivious older cousin as he tipped his hat in her direction.

"Young lady, I say, have you an interest in the supernatural, the cosmological or the paranormal?"

She twitched involuntarily. His monocle hadn't been apparent until now.

"Ah, n-not really, I just-"

"_Then today's your lucky day!_ My lovely assistant Chojilina just happens to have a spare pass to the main attraction. Enjoy!"

Without further adieu, both young 'men' hoisted her up under an arm and, with a mighty heave, shoved her through the flap and into a hastily constructed world of illusion. As she skidded to a halt, a tiny golden ticket fluttered down upon her head. She snatched it off and glanced at the writing.

_Admit ONE to 'Neji's Narcissistic Novelties'. _

The young girl briefly considered the appropriateness of that statement before looking up. What greeted her eyes was nothing less than a full deployment of all the eccentricities life had left to throw at her. Set in a haphazard arrangement were stall after stall of assorted activities, all leading to the exit at the precise opposite end of the canvased structure. Thinking it best to simply make a mad dash for said exit, Hinata briefly checked the wound on her arm before sprinting forward...only to be immediately lassoed around the waist by what appeared to be intricately woven synthetic eyebrows.

The Byakugan heiress halted, staring dumbly at the rough pseudo-keratin cord adorning her middle.

"Umm..._eww_."

She was knocked from her deadened perceptions by a most youthful proclamation.

"Gai-sensei! I believe I have managed to wrangle myself a lively one!"

She turned about to see Lee and Gai in matching leather cowboy hats and leaf embroidered butt-less chaps. (Frightening how that just rolls off the tongue, isn't it?) The scariest part was her immediate understanding that she greatly preferred this version compared to their earlier encounter.

Maito Gai gave his prodigy a hearty slap on the back.

"Boy howdy, Lee! Did you ever! Now for the _branding_!"

Hinata gave a short gasp.

"W-What!? No! I-"

Before she could utter another word, Lee bounded over and stuck a tiny yellow item upon her cheek.

"There! Now you are official property of Gai-sensei's Dude Love Corral!"

Despite that being one of the most horrifying statements to ever befall mankind, he nonchalantly held up a mirror pulled from parts unknown. It turned out that adding bowl cuts to a generic happy face sticker did not make for a pretty sight. She hastily peeled off the adornment and wiggled out of her make-shift belt as the Delinquent Duo argued about the proper ways to hog-tie a falcon.

Counting her blessings for such a...tolerable experience, Hinata was just about to activate her Byakugan for clues to Naruto's whereabouts when she was _catapulted through the air_ by a hidden spring-loaded floor tile. The poor girl completely missed the inherent awesomeness of such a cool trap as she shrieked her way into a perfect three-point landing. Luckily, an ultra-plush cushioned chair was there to absorb the impact.

Dosu, Kin and Zaku fanned out around her, each sporting a chibi grin.

"Welcome to the Sound Garden Spa Resort! Please relax and let us take care of everything!"

Without the slightest hesitation, all three Sound-nin promptly got to work. Dosu grabbed a metal knob jutting from the chair and flicked his arm. The riveting massage coursing through the framework melted her in a heartbeat. It just got all the better as she received a complimentary shampoo and blow dry from Zaku's Wind-style Ninjutsu. Kin applied a bit of acupuncture to her damaged shoulder, easing away the pain in an instant.

Her senbon accompaniment to 'Carol of the Bells' wasn't half bad either.

Lost in the blissful hold of complete and total relaxation, Hinata let her mind wander across all the insane crap she had gone through thus far. Naked Gai, Crazy Tenten, Corporate Shino...

So many memories. But alas, even in her intoxicatedly mellow state, it seemed like she was...missing something.

Or someone.

It wasn't until the vibrating ninja foot massage that she sat bolt upright with a screech.

"_Holy sweet crap Naruto-kun!" _

She snatched her newly-scrubbed sandals and bolted for the exit. A crazed flurry of hand signs activated her Byakugan, indicating that highly condensed chakra had passed through here quite recently. Hinata shifted into high gear and plowed through the opposite tent flap, passing by a very upset Kunoichi in the process.

Tayuya sat in the far corner of an adjacent room, listening attentively to the monotone announcements.

"B-eight."

She glared at her Bingo card in a blind rage.

"Gosh darn it!"

"N-thirty four."

"Fiddlesticks!"

"I-nineteen."

From directly behind her, a pair of hands shot up in the air. A dual shout sliced through the crowd.

"Bingo!"

Tayuya ground her teeth and shredded the aforementioned card, her white-knuckled grip threatening to break off the edge of the table. She whipped around to confront the unlucky victim.

"Oh _poopies."_

Ukon and Sakon beamed with pride, their twin heads bobbing with glee. Each took a turn speaking in a haughty manner.

"**B**4 you start anything, Tayuya...**I**8 to tell you, but...you'd never stand a chance against us."

Her lips curled back in a feral manner, causing both young men to smirk derisively.

"**N**-yway, it really is too bad you lost...**G**, I hope she doesn't stay mad at us too long, brother."

At that little exchanged snippet, each began to laugh in a mocking tone. The bright-haired kunoichi reached for her flute before sneering sadistically.

"**O**, I wouldn't worry about that. I'm more interested in testing something I learned in band camp on you two..."

Sakon looked at Ukon. Ukon looked back at Sakon. A pair of smiles promptly evaporated from their vaudevillian faces.

"...Do you mean-"

"_Yes."_

And that was the day they learned the unfathomable joys of a prostate exam.

_Back to the action!_

Just as she had left the canvased structure, Hinata's all-seeing eyes were practically blinded by the sheer volume of residual chakra inundating the area. To further complicate matters, it had become all too clear that the once singular path branched off into no less than nine distinct trails. Confusion and panic gripped her heart, singling out the notion that perhaps this whole situation was truly beyond her ability to handle.

Heartbroken, she released the Kekkai Genkai and pondered her current predicament. As she did so, something strange made itself known.

_That's...odd. It looked like nine trails, but...compared to last time, it only feels like one. Could this...could it be a trick...?_

She activated her signature ability one more time, straining to catch a glimpse of some tell-tale sign of what she should do next. Though she could still see nine distinct signatures, there was just no way they could all be emitting the same level of chakra as before. Unless...

_Did Kyuubi use Shadow Clones to throw off the trail?_

If that were the case, each path would be an identical fraction of the original, leaving no way to truly discern the real Naruto. She couldn't waste time checking each one, nor could she herself muster enough chakra to create any more Shadow Clones for reconnaissance. Without anyone else to help in the search, it was hopeless. Her Byakugan faded once more. There was just no way to-

The young girl swiftly blinked away her doubts as a fresh idea popped into her head.

_Wait a minute. This whole mess is caused by Genjutsu. Kurenai-sensei is a master of Genjutsu! If I could get her to weaken the spell, maybe then...maybe then I could finally make a difference!  
_

Clamping on to a fresh reserve of determination, the young Hyuuga departed from her current endeavor and sped off towards the high rise apartments her sensei currently occupied. Within minutes, she was situated before the Gunakilyu Housing complex. Unfortunately for her, she hadn't ever gone further than the front entrance and thus was now completely at a loss as to which apartment was inhabited by her teacher.

Steeling her resolve, Hinata dashed through the gate and looked all around for clues. Her sensei enjoyed flowers, so maybe...yes! On several distinct balconies rested a multitude of potted plants glowing in the light of a rising new moon. Taking a moment to further examine her surroundings, the young girl smiled faintly, now able to narrow the search to a scant three dwellings. Each held a certain beloved flower, stirring up pleasant memories from her subconsciousness.

_Those are Sun Orchids!...I remember when Kurenai-sensei placed a bud in my hair, saying it was just like me...that I would blossom one day, and...and that I would finally understand..._

When questioned as to 'what' she would understand, Kurenai had gazed affectionately at her student, succumbing to a motherly charm.

"_You're still so young, Hinata, even for your age. When you get a bit older, you'll see why things ended up being the way they are."_

That had only added to the girl's confusion, eliciting a good-natured laugh from the older woman. Despite the cryptic musings, it was from that point on that Hinata had begun to feel much more comfortable around her sensei. Suddenly back in the present, the young girl cheerfully rubbed at her moist eyes before dashing towards the first flowery apartment.

_Knock-knock._

No answer.

_Knock-knock-knock._

"...Kurenai-sensei?"

The door creaked open by its own accord. There were no lights. Undaunted, the young girl inched her way into the abode.

"Kurenai-sensei, is that you?"

A glob of _something_ dropped onto her shoulder. Shrieking, Hinata swatted her arm and leapt backwards, inadvertently hitting the light switch in the process. A thick clod of mud now adorned her jacket, apparently having plopped down from above. Dumbstruck, the young Hyuuga glanced upwards to find the source of such earth-based treachery. She was ever so slightly surprised.

"W-Why are there pig tracks everywhere...?"

Lo and behold, she turned towards the kitchen...only to spy Tenten in a tutu walking Tonton upside-down across the ceiling. (Hooray for bastardized alliteration!)

Both girl and swine sported identical euphoric grins as the weapon mistress began to sing.

"_Spiderpig, spiderpig. Does whatever a~ spiderpig does. Can she swing...from a web? No she can't... she's a pig. Look ouuuuut! Tonton the spi-der piiiiigg..."_

To put it simply, Hinata just about passed a shit taco in her mad dash for the exit.

With the door now firmly closed behind her (and then arc welded shut for good measure), the young girl raced off to her next stop, zoning in on the second of three potential Kurenai hot spots. As she approached her destination, Hinata noticed a weather-beaten poster plastered rather crudely to the wall:

"**Learn to tell time wherever you are! Impress all the friends you never wished you had! Attract highly questionable and troublesome women!" -Nara S.**

Not quite sure what to make of that last part, Hinata stared at the handle for many long moments before finally deciding to open the door. Why, you may ask? For the _lulz_.

The wooden barrier between herself and impending insanity swung inward. Without hesitation, a vast assortment of seizure inducing strobe lights and ear splitting techno music assailed her highly developed senses. Her slackened jaw began to twitch with the beat as the sole occupant of the room cranked his gangsta up to eleven.

"It's Peanut-Buttuh-Jelly-_Time!_ Peanut-Buttuh-Jelly-_Time!_ Peanut-Buttuh-Jelly-_Time!_"

SLAM!

Hinata rested her head against the door frame, not quite sure what in fact she had just witnessed. Regardless, for some inexplicable reason, the young girl took a deep, cleansing breath...and opened the door once more.

"Do the PeanutButterJelly! PeanutButterJelly! PeanutButterJelly with a baseball _bat!_"

SLAM x2!

In truth, it wasn't the fact that Shikamaru had been dancing to the rhythm in the most ridiculous fashion imaginable...no, she was pretty sure her mild cardiac arrest had been from his emphatic crotch thrusts while wearing a glorified banana suit and vigorously shaking a pair of Temari-shaped moroccos.

That, or it could have been last night's five-alarm chili coming back for a second go. Whichever.

The point is that Hinata was off again, pushing herself to the limit so that she might track down her sensei in time. Just as she began to approach the last door on her list, a husky, feminine voice stopped her mid stride.

"Oh _Asuma_...oh yes, _right there!_"

The young Hyuuga stopped dead as in death.

"That's the spot..._mhmm_, just turn a bit to the left and...it fits_ perfectly._"

Hinata numbly sat back on her haunches, wiping away a nosebleed. She had always considered Asuma-sensei to be rather good-looking, but..._damn_.

"Uh huh...you've almost got it...that's it! _Oh God, that's it!"_

Ok...well...Hinata certainly knew where she wasn't needed, and that place happened to be right the hell here, right the hell now. She hastily gathered her thoughts and peeled off down the fire escape, racking her brain for alternative methods in which to stop the greatest nemesis Konaha had ever known.

Meanwhile, Kurenai and Asuma stared at the table in her living room, taking the time to admire the newly completed picture adorning its surface. The male Jounin took a slow drag from his cigarette.

"Jeez Kurenai, I never knew anyone could get so worked up over a jigsaw puzzle."

The young woman had the decency to blush.

"Well...I always used to play with them in my childhood, and it just brings back so many memories."

Both Jounin looked at the floorboards, too shy to say anything more. Team Ten's captain absently began to scratch at his beard.

"So...ya wanna go at it like rabbits?"

The seasoned Kunoichi tapped a nail against her lips, silently considering his proposition.

"Kay!"

And everyone lived happily ever after. The End.

Well, that is until Asuma suffered a gaping metaphysical hole in his chest caused by a deranged psychopath and his voodoo-like jutsu. But hey, that's life. (And a story plug for the astute reader!)

_Outside the apartments!_

Adding that little endeavor to her list of things she hoped never to experience again (set between 'See Kiba naked' and 'Pull Gai's finger'), Hinata jogged to a halt and rested her hands upon her knees, slightly woozy from all the chakra expended throughout the day. She took a moment to catch her breath.

Only then did she notice 'Tetris Music A' playing in the background. (Youtube it! 8D)

Straightening, the young girl slowly turned about, unsure what could be the source of such a retro bout of nostalgia. To her surprise, an old man in red and white robes was crouched down next to a pile of multi-colored and oddly-shaped bricks. As she approached the solitary figure, Hinata cast a disbelieving stare at the tri-point Hokage hat glistening softly in the moonlight.

"_S-Sarutobi-sama...?"_

At the faintly spoken words, Sarutobi Hiruzen glanced over his shoulder, taking the time to offer the timid girl a warm wave and smile.

"Hello, Hinata! Nice night for repairing the Fourth Wall, don't you think?"

Seemingly in a trance, Hinata did little more than slump to her knees beside the legendary God of Shinobi. The sheer surprise factor completely nullified any reserve of tact she might have at one time possessed.

"But...you're _dead_. I...I went to your funeral. Orochimaru k-killed you."

The older man scoffed at the memory.

"Nah, he just turned me into a _newt_."

His young visitor cast him a blank stare. The Sandaime meekly glanced off to the side.

"...I got better."

Returning to his circa 1984 work, he slid an L-block next to a T-block and watched a whole row of items poof out of existence. Hiruzen let out an annoyed grunt as the pipe in his mouth vented a cherry-scented plume of smoke. This would be so much easier if Enma hadn't refused to answer his Summons. How dare the Monkey King choose barrels, a plumber and a princess over him!

Still completely dumbstruck at such a turn of events, Hinata watched as the grandfatherly figure gave up his self-appointed task and turned towards her, the ever-present grin fading from his weathered countenance.

"Naruto and the Kyuubi are locked in a life and death struggle even as we speak...I trust you already know this."

Her eyes grew wide at the jarringly sane words, eliciting a faint grin and nod from the older man.

"Jiraiya wasn't the only one to make it his business to know that boy's chakra inside and out. I'd wager the last thing you expected was to meet another person able to resist the Kyuubi's genjutsu, eh?"

A wave of relief flooded through the kunoichi's chest, overwhelming her senses as it became apparent there was still someone left to help after all. Despite her newly found strength, she could already feel the tears beginning to form. Her words gushed forth under the strain of a bleeding heart.

"Hokage-sama! Please, I...I don't know what to do...Naruto needs help and the Fox is too strong! I can't do it all by myself! I...everyone is crazy, and...nothing makes sense anymore! I just...it's too much, and there's no one else!...It all feels so...it's almost as if..."

She dropped her chin, casting her eyes upon the dirt between her knees.

"Its like I'm all alone..."

At her words, Hiruzen leaned back a ways, nodding sagely as he scratched his beard.

"Oh, I see...that is a problem."

The old Shinobi cast her a sidelong glance.

"Hinata, do you know why I sacrificed my life to save Konaha?"

Pale lavender eyes shot up from the ground.

"B-But I thought you said-"

"Old men tend to say many things. Now, let me hear your answer."

She looked down again, contemplating his words.

"I...I suppose you did it because of your love for the village. You...You didn't want to see everything that was precious swept away into nothingness..."

He considered her candid response, smirking beneath the pipe.

"Hmm...I must seem like a very selfish person to you, Hinata-chan."

She jerked her head to the side, mortified at his words.

"N-No, Hokage-sama! I-I would never...please forgive my rudeness!"

And with that she made a frantic bow, nearly head butting his elbow in the process. He gave a hearty laugh, beckoning her to sit by his side.

"Well then, child...let me try and explain..."

He added a bit of tobacco to his long time companion as a certain twinkle entered his eyes.

"The reason I sacrificed my life was because it wasn't my life to sacrifice."

Hinata blinked, a questioning look overcoming her porcelain features. The old man smiled.

"I fought so that Iruka could continue to teach in the Academy, Tenten would have the chance to follow in Tsunade's footsteps and Ino might still catch the eye of Sasuke. I battled the First Hokage so Choji could celebrate every successful mission with a buffet, I bled at the hands of the Second in memory of Lee's constant determination to prove his worth, and I fell at the feet of Orochimaru so that Konahamaru might one day stand up and lead a good, honorable life."

A light entered the young girl's face as she quickly began to grasp what he was saying. Hiruzen cast a gentle hand on her damaged shoulder, catching her eyes in a vice as he spoke.

"I was never, ever alone, Hinata. I had everyone there beside me, including you and Naruto, giving me the strength to do what I must. It was that very strength which allowed me to protect the village, nothing more."

His hand began to glow a faint green, sending friendly chakra into the immediate vicinity of her wound. The young girl was too enraptured by his words to pay it any mind.

"You _aren't_ alone, Hinata. You never have been, and you never will be. Naruto is counting on you, as is the rest of the village. My time here is over, but yours is just beginning. If you take nothing else from this night, remember..."

He pulled his arm back, revealing her healed shoulder.

"A true Kunoichi does not forget her home in a fight for her life, but rather forgets her life in a fight for her home."

Hiruzen stood the girl up, guiding her eyes towards the Hokage Monument far in the distance. Upon its peak, right above the Fourth's head, stood an almost imperceptible orange dot shimmering faintly in the moonlight.

"Your path leads to Naruto and the Kyuubi, Hinata-chan. Whether or not it ends there...is up to you..."

As if released from a trance, Hinata nodded, willing herself to draw on the wisdom of someone so deeply connected to everything she held dear. A small hand rose to massage her newly healed flesh.

"Hokage-sama, I-"

She turned, revealing nothing more than a crumpled pile of robes to heed her words. Startled, the young girl took but a moment to calm herself before bowing in silent reverence.

_Thank you..._

Focusing her mind, Hinata set her sights on Hokage Mountain as she once again darted into the night.

Granted, the young woman's current thoughts weren't _entirely _set on the enormity of the situation looming before her.

_Oh man! It was so cool how he just disappeared like that! Maybe if I'm really lucky, I'll__ be able to 'Obi Wan Shinobi' Naruto-kun's pants and Force out his lightsaber! Tee hee!_

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* * *

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Well...there ya go! A year and a half late, but just like old times!

As you might have guessed from the chapter title, this is Part 1 of a two part finale, so stay tuned for the conclusion to 'Just Another Day!' There's also a very high probability of me updating before the turn of the century, too! Unless I don't, in which case it was a very low probability. *Grin*

Either way, see ya next time!


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